Fun with CNN Souvenirs - Episode 4

Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3

**These episodes are solely a product of my own imagination. Any resemblance whatsoever to actual events is purely coincidental.

Soledad: You were a real hit out there today, Sassy.

Me: Ahhh, thank you Soledad. You are too kind.

Soledad: No, I mean it. That outfit is really cutting edge, and you walked that runway like nobody's business.

Me: It pays to be the winner on America's Next Top Model. It's how you get noticed, you know? Now I get to do has-been celebrity charity fashion shows wearing my own clothes.

Soledad: Obviously, it's done wonders for you. You seem, happy.

Me: Was there ever any doubt?

Soledad: Well, rumour had it you were depressed for quite some time.

Me: That must have been all it was, a rumour. As you can see, I'm just fine.

Soledad: Whatever you say. How are you and Anderson doing?

Me: Never better.

Soledad: Really.

Me: Does that surprise you?

Soledad: Why should it?

Me: You sound unconvinced.

Soledad: Well, you know how nasty rumours can spread.

Me: Uh-huh. Tell me something. How would you feel if you found out you walked the runway in a fake label.

Soledad: What? What are you talking about?

Me: Maybe you should check your outfit. There's something not quite right about it. And I'm sure everyone picked up on it. This crowd could smell a fake from a mile away.

Soledad (realizing her outfit is a fake): You bitch! You switched my outfits! I was supposed to be wearing vintage Chanel!

Me: Yeah... now you're wearing vintage chenille.

Soledad: Oh my God... You know that I know.

Me: Of course I know that you know. I knew before any of you thought I did.

Soledad: Does Anderson know that you know?

Me: Yes, he knows that I know, and he knows that I know that you know and that you've been blackmailing him all this time.

Soledad: Why would you knowingly wear impostor designer clothing? Why would you let Anderson do that to you?

Me: I have my reasons. But there's no excuse for what you did. Holding that over his head to get information from Sanjay.

Soledad: You know about that too?

Me: Of course I do. Sanjay told me all about it.

Soledad: He's having an affair with Anderson, you know.

Me: I'm aware of that.

Soledad: And you don't care?

Me: That's between me and my husband.

Soledad: Whatever. Don't think this is over, you conniving bitch. I will never forgive you for this. I'll be trashed all over the pages of Vogue!

Me: I know, isn't it delicious?

Soledad: You will pay for this.

Me: I'm shaking in my boots. Oh, by the way, Sanjay shared his secret with me. I've already lost 5 pounds eating a whole box of Sanjay's chocolates, for breakfast.

Soledad: If I were you, I'd sleep with a knife under your pillow. You'll need it. (Soledad briskly walks out of the backstage dressing room at the Arachnophobia charity fashion show).

Have I forgiven Anderson for his affair with Sanjay? Are he and Sanjay still seeing each other? Find out on the next episode of Fun with CNN Souvenirs.

Reasons why this will be a great weekend

Well... I got nothin'. My muse has apparently settled in for a nice, long nap. 

The only celebrity gossip that raised my ire recently was finding out that Katie no-talent, zero-charisma Holmes was cast for some TV miniseries as Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, one of the MOST CHARISMATIC AND UNFORGETTABLE figures of the 20th Century. When is Hollywood gonna clue in that Katie cannot act, nor dance, nor sing to any degree that should be showcased in front of an audience. People suck.

 

Anyway... in the absence of inspiration, I thought I'd make a list of why this is going to be a great weekend, based on the assumption that if I lay it all out there, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Reasons why this will be a great weekend:

1 - Boyfriend is out tonight which means I can watch Three's Company on DVD while getting smashed on Vodka shots.

2 - Get to sleep in on Saturday morning until I jolt upright in bed, realize I should go to kickboxing class, decide not to go, then toss and turn as I shame myself over my innate laziness and lack of ambition. 

3 - Have meeting with theatre colleagues on Saturday afternoon to prep for upcoming awards ceremony. 

4 - Get home in time for dinner intoxicated from drinking beer at local pub during said meeting with theatre colleagues. 

5 - Contribute to my further intoxication by sharing a bottle of wine with boyfriend while watching 127 Hours, getting philosophical in my inebriated state and wondering: If an arm is cut off in the wilderness, does anybody hear?

6 - Get up at some ungodly hour on Sunday morning to go use up the last of our ski passes at Mont Tremblant.

7 - Sit in car on the way to Tremblant, semi-comatose, wondering where I am.

8 - Miraculously bounce back from hangover upon arrival at ski hill and proceed to have totally awesome day on the slopes.

9 - Chillax in outdoor hot tub and sauna following said awesome day on the slopes. 

10 - Get home, totally high on fresh air and sunshine, and proceed to medicate myself so as to forget that the following day will be a Bachelor-less Monday.

The one where I discover I'm America's Next Top Model

Hey bitches and bros! So I'm back from Jamaica where I discovered I have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model. Case in point: one evening, about mid-week, while getting ready for dinner, I noticed my hair:

Umm, Gisele Bündchen much? I mean, it's so obvious. Look at that perfect beach hair with those natural waves and ZERO product, unless you count the salty ocean breeze that shaped this look. It's all the more miraculous since my hair is naturally straight, and I mean lifeless, limp, no body whatsoever straight. It was a sign. If I could achieve Gisele hair, what ELSE was I capable of? It was then that I decided to put together a portfolio for ANTM. And since I watch the show, I know exactly what Tyra's looking for...

It's important for a model to work with the set she's placed in, whether it's with live bees, underwater, or humping a tree. You can't just stand there and look pretty. You gotta be FIERCE, like you and the tree are ONE. Don't you want to buy those awesome Gap three quarter length cargo pants now? Sure you do. 'Cause it'll get you a tree of your very own.

A model must always presume she's in the spotlight 24/7 and act accordingly, i.e. assume she's entitled to be the center of attention due to her plentiful pulchritude.  Even in Jamaica, the spotlight was following ME. And I was ready.

A model must never forget the camera - look at it, work it and SMIZE (smile with your eyes). Obviously, I'm a pro. I'm looking straight into the camera, my neck is long (so many contestants do not elongate their necks: amateurs!) and I'm smizing but not in an overt way. I'm aware of the placement of my body and am displaying clothing and jewelry products nicely. Notice how all the merchandise is clearly visible?

I am SO ready for Cycle 17. Bring it.

It's all going to pot

I'm in Jamaica... odds are... 

Vacation re-post #3: Bad yogini!

I'm drunk on papaya daiquiris, how about you?

Vacation re-post #2: Whatever happened to Chanel no. 1 through 4?

Historical facts, according to me...

I'm not here but I am

My dearest Sassies,

I'm actually away this week (ah, the wonders of modern technology - it feels like I'm here, doesn't it?). Anyhoo, in my absence, I thought I'd provide links to my all-time favorite posts. 

For my newer readers, you will revel in delight at my writing prowess. For those who have followed this blog for a longer period of time, and may have already read these, you will, once again, revel in delight at my writing prowess.

Vacation re-post #1: The Adventures of Abercrumbie and Futch.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna drink the kool-aid...

So here's me, deciding that in 2011, I don't want to define "success" by outward accomplishments (psh!) and status symbols (lame!). I want to cultivate inner acceptance, a true and lasting source of self-esteem not dependent on outward circumstances... Uh-huh. What are we today? March 9th? Yeah, well, that plan isn't workin' out so good. 

I had vowed not to be one of those "keepin' up with the Jones' " kind of people, just "having to have" the latest version or the newest tech toy. I kept telling myself: "No, I'm happy with my seldomly used LG Rumor cellphone. Perfectly content. Don't need anything else." 

Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail from our cellphone service provider. "You are now eligible for a phone upgrade. You can choose a new phone OR why not one of our new Blackberry smartphones?" Waaaaaaaahhhhh? Of course, they included a pamphlet with photos and info on the very latest Blackberry models. Of course...

Oooooohhhhhh.... aaaahhhhhhh. Pretty. Shiny. Blackberry. Must have one. No, dammit, no! I will not be a victim of sales gimmicks! Shut up voice of reason! I want one! But you barely use the phone you have now! You vowed never to be a "Crackberry" user! I don't care! I want one! 

I was like a diabetic kid in a candy store, like a sex addict in a porn shop; the want so intense and overpowering, it eclipsed any sense of restraint. Who am I kidding? Trying to be all noble and shit, all anti-consumerism. I am failing miserably at this task. 

After being given a second-hand iPod, "Apple want" ignited within me. If we happened to be in an electronics store, I felt obliged to peruse the new iPod products, and the joy I felt at the prospect of owning one of these toys was akin to still believing in Santa Claus.

Before I had an iPod, I couldn't have cared less about them. I had no interest in owning one and didn't know the first thing about how they worked. I was not perturbed by this in the least. But then, like Adam enticed by Eve to take a bite of the apple, I did, and brought rabid desire upon my earnest attempts at moderation.

It's humbling to be actively aware of my status as a hapless peon on the wheel of consumption. Maybe I should do more yoga or meditate or something to mitigate the irrational beliefs programmed into my average brain by clever marketers about what I "need". Ooohhh, that might require a trip to Lululemon.... never mind.