Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Kate cannot dance, Heidi cannot hug and Gwyneth cannot forgive

Picture this: It's April 2, in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and my step-daughter and I are out on our deck in shorts and bikini tops, tanning. Do you see what's wrong with this picture? April 2. Canada. The average temperature at this time of year is like, 7 degrees Celcius. That's 44 degrees Fahrenheit. It was around 30 Celcius on April 2 and 3, 2010. That's 86 degrees Fahrenheit. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, we ain't complainin'. It was fabulous, albeit strange. An Easter gift from the Gods. We must have done something right lately. Although I don't know how that's possible with Stephen Harper as Prime Minister. In some circles, we call him "Baby Bush" (just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with.) Our Obama hasn't yet arrived. But that's a matter for another time. We've got more important things to examine.

Such as this. Sometimes I want to give up on humanity. Why is this woman still on the show!!!

Then I come across this little tidbit. Apparently, due to the gynormous size of her new fake boobs, Heidi Montag can no longer go jogging, and because her body is so "fragile" now, following her numerous plastic surgeries, she shies away from hugging people. Someone who voluntarily has her body hacked up in her early twenties doesn't deserve hugs. 

 From real person to plastic Barbie. You suck.

And last but not least, Gwyneth Paltrow admits in the new issue of British Vogue that she has revenge fantasies and can be mean.You don't say. This does not surprise me. I get her Goop newsletter via e-mail once a week. On the odd occasion, the subject matter is actually enlightening. But mostly, it's Gwyneth reminding us commoners how we don't live like movie stars. 

She shares her picks of hotels and restaurants in major cities across the globe, health tips and recipes, among other things. But it's coated in a "don't you wish you could live like this" kind of tone. Like she's pretending she has things in common with the rest of us. Please. And she name drops. A lot. Bitch. 

But... kudos to Gwyneth for admitting she can get her hate on when one of her bitches pisses her off. That takes balls. Admitting you're not perfect, when seemingly, you lead a perfect life that everyone wants and you know it. Sometimes Gwyneth, she surprises me. However, I'm still bitter about her Oscar win for Shakespeare in Love. She didn't deserve it, not that year, with that competition. But I digress.

Sometimes, I hate people.

Yep, still bitter.

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