Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Today I'm a crusty bitch

John Mayer has had to cancel the rest of his European tour due to an "unnamed illness". Well John, here are a few questions that may help you narrow down the list of possible ailments:

1) have you been acting like a two dollar hooker on payday?
2) does it burn when you pee?
3) is it really itchy "down there"?
4) are there any red, swollen craters forming on your manly instrument?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, you probably have an STD. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Your doctor will give you a prescription and it should go away. Unless you've got the herp. The herp stays with you forever, like an "accident" you didn't want to abort. (Oooh, over the line? Nah.) 

Speaking of over the line, Kristen Stewart, in an interview with Elle UK, states that "fame is like rape". Wait... wait... I think I just threw up in my mouth. Dear Kristen: cry me a f*cking river. If you didn't like the international fame and insane Twilophile adulation brought on by the first Twilight movie, you didn't have to sign up for the rest of 'em. You could have walked away and they would have recast Bella, as they did Victoria, and maybe they would have replaced you with someone who can act. 

I have no pity for celebrities who put themselves in the limelight, then complain that the glare of fame is too hot. Go do some regional theatre if it bothers you that much.

1 comment:

Lady Noix De Coco said...

1) have you been acting like a two dollar hooker on payday?
2) does it burn when you pee?
3) is it really itchy "down there"?
4) are there any red, swollen craters forming on your manly instrument?

Priceless!!! I agree, these people are bloody pathetic. If you opt for being broadcast on screens around the world, dont complain that u get recognised everywhere? Shoulda been a metro driver in this case!

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