Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lying and cheating and texting, oh my!

When a forty-something woman posts pictures of herself in a bikini on Twitter, there's always a reason... and I've found it. 

Is it true? Is it just a rumour? If Demi is posting half naked photos of herself you gotta know there's some truth to it. Here's the conversation I imagine took place between Demi and Ashton that led to her desperate attempt to out-hottie Ashton's 21-year-old mistress:

Demi: So Ash, were you all up in her cooch or what?

Ashton: (pause) Or what?

Demi: Don't be coy.

Ashton: Huh?

Demi: That means... oh, I don't know what it means. Just answer the question. 

Ashton: Babe, why would I do something like that when I have you, fake.... everything and all?

Demi: I don't know, you tell me.

Ashton: Babe, you're acting all crazy. Relax.

Demi: Don't tell me to relax. She's younger than Rumer!

Ashton: She is?

Demi: You asshole!

Ashton: Babe, come on. Why don't we go to a Kabbalah service or something, so you can cool down.

Demi: That shit is just for show! So I could wear a red string around my wrist and be like Madonna.

Ashton: Maybe we should actually try it. I think you need it.

Demi: Don't tell me what I need! What I need is for you to tell me the truth!

Ashton: You can't handle the truth! Huh...huh...huh. Get it?

Demi: I'm going to stick a big, sharp object into one of my fake boobs and deflate it if you don't tell me what really happened.

Ashton: Umm, you've been punk'd?

Demi: Ha, ha, very funny... Really? Seriously? Oh my God, oh my God! Ohhh, you! Wait... where are the TV cameras?

Ashton: Duh, they're hiding... so you couldn't see them. 

Demi: Where are they now?

Ashton: They're gone.

Demi: But they didn't get the big reveal.

Ashton: Ya, they did. They, like, just left.

Demi: (pause) I'm going to prove to you just how hot I am.

Ashton: Cool.

Demi: I'm going to go into our bathroom, put a bikini and some shades on, take pictures of myself and post them on Twitter. That little biznatch ain't got nothin' on me.

Ashton: Cool.

Demi: And, we're going to speak together at a Clinton Global Initiative event to show everyone what a serious, smart couple we are.

Ashton: Cool.

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