Wednesday, September 1, 2010

A total eclipse of the brain

Before you start reading this and think to yourself: "Does she not know this movie came out two months ago?", I am indeed aware of this fact but, being steeped in narcissism, I truly believe my opinion on the subject is of the utmost importance, and it would be a crime to withhold it from you. 

The other night, along with my stepdaughters, I saw Eclipse, the third installment in the Twilight saga. I know they're probably going to read this so I will preface with this: Dear M. and D., please forgive me for what I'm about to write. 

I don't know how to say this without being cruel... the only reason this movie was even remotely entertaining is because it was SO bad. At times, I thought I was actually watching the spoof Vampires Suck. I had to remind myself I was viewing the real thing. 

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while know that I have about as high an opinion of Kristen Stewart's acting skills as I do of, let's say, poo. She did not redeem herself in this movie but only solidified my belief that she cannot act. Robert Pattinson was no better. Watching the two of them was painful, and not in a good way.

The only thing that saved Taylor Lautner's bacon was his bare chest, which appeared often. The acting was awkward and the production values in the shitter. I think Summit Entertainment spent more money on promoting this drivel than on making the actual film. 

The wigs were bad, the makeup equally atrocious, punctuated by a heinously fake blustery mountain top, and good actors like Peter Facinelli seemed to stoop to the lowest common denominator. Even Bryce Dallas Howard disappointed as Victoria. Of course, she's no Rachelle Lefevre. Memo to dumbass executives at Summit who fired Lefevre over "scheduling conflicts": you suck.

Although, I would be remiss if I didn't mention some cool special effects sequences with werewolves. I will begrudgingly give them that.

This movie was the biggest, baddest, stinkiest hunk of cheese I've seen in a while. Probably since New Moon. Of course, I'll have to see the last two installments out of curiosity. There's (spoiler alert!) violent sex, an even more violent birth and Bella becomes a vampire. Thank God. Maybe she'll stop whining. (Yes, I read the books. And that's all I'm going to say about that.)

The best part of our evening at the cinema was some guy in the audience who kept laughing out loud at totally random moments. We suspected he was high. Lucky him.

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