Monday, October 25, 2010

Anniversary gifts - remixed

My boyfriend and I recently celebrated our third anniversary which got us thinking... You know that list of official anniversary gifts, like for one year it's paper, etc... Well, we thought we'd toy with it a little... 

1 year  = toilet paper - because real paper is dangerous. Ever get a paper cut? Those mo fo's HURT.

2 years = eraser - in case you're in a miserable situation and wanted to erase the past two years.

3 years = vaccum - 'cause, by this time, you're looking for new tricks in the bedroom.

4 years = body hair removal system - after 4 years, conditional love sets in, as in, conditional on getting that gross body hair removed.

5 years = an animal - to distract you from the fact that you've been with a hairy ape for five years.

6 years = cigarettes - you've lost the will to live a long life and are looking to shorten it any way you can.

7 years = anti-itch ointment. Must I state the obvious? 

8 years = knives - why should you have to slowly kill yourself with cigarettes when you can take out your partner in an "unfortunate accident involving a butcher knife".

9 years = she gets tickets to a UFC fight to remember what a mostly naked man looks like. He gets tickets to a Victoria's Secret fashion show to remember what a mostly naked woman looks like.

10 years  = domestic help. For her, this means a clean house. For him, this means someone else to fantasize about while making love to his partner.

15 years = hearing test to prove your theory that your partner suffers from "selective hearing", as in he/she selects not to hear you.

25 years = illegal drugs. 'Cause booze just ain't cuttin' it anymore.

30 years = lube. Let's face it, by this time you won't be able to have sex without it.

40 years = trial separation, in case you may have "missed out" on better things in life.

50 years = tombstone - 'cause you'll each have one foot in the grave, if you're lucky.

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