Friday, July 30, 2010

Detox dementia

Demi Moore's been tweeting lately about a new "cleanse" she's on. First, it was the "Master Cleanse", some detox program that consists of a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. Now, she's on "The Clean Program" which is heavily endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, if Gwyneth says it's ok, then it must be.

I receive Gwyneth's weekly Goop e-newsletters. Don't ask. It's "research". I remembered one she sent on Spring detox programs and how, right there, in the middle of an article, was a sentence uttered by one of her "experts" that basically contradicted the whole theme of specific cleanse programs: "If one eats right, gets proper rest and exercise, the body will actually detox itself naturally."

Well, well, well. Not rocket science, is it? Certainly not some concoction of tree bark, citrus juice and spicy vegetables. Then, I go check out the website of this "Clean Program". On the link to the book available for purchase, it states that it's been endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow, some other doctor dude and others. The fact that it lists a celebrity before a doctor as an endorser of this product is highly suspect. Is it more important that some movie star schlep your product around than a legitimate MD?

I'm no health care professional or certified nutritionist/herbalist/holistic health expert but my guess is that common sense should dictate what we put into, and how we treat our bodies. Eat properly, sleep and exercise. Guess that just makes too much sense... or no one can market it and make a profit.

Our bodies do not naturally drop a remarkable amount of weight in a nano second. These starlets really need to consider what they're pushing on an ill-informed consumer culture obsessed with looking just like them. 

 Take your tree bark and shove it!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hasselhoffs determined to matter once again

I don't know about you, but I lie awake at night wondering how David Hasselhoff's family is doing. That's why I'm sooooo glad they've got a new reality TV show on A&E about how "together" their family really is. The Hasselhoff clan is determined to "prove the tabloids wrong" because they are still very relevant. 

Their first attempt at a reality show only drew interest from the UK but this time around, it's sure to be a winner, even though youngest daughter Hayley claims "her family doesn't need to justify their lives to anyone". They don't need to but they want to. It's not that they're fame whores but.... they're fame whores.

I'm guessing big daddy Hasselhoff falling down drunk in public will make for riveting television. Hey, maybe A&E can put him on their show Intervention. It could be a cross-over episode, like they do with CSI. Why am I not a network executive? 

 Remember when I used to be cool?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Been arrested? That's no reason to let yourself go.

Female Celebrity Mugshots: Whose is hottest? No, I didn't make that up. It's from the Huffington Post.

You can scroll through the pictures, see a list of each female celebrity's offenses (indicated below each photo), and vote on who is the sexiest criminal. Ummm, ok.

What's next?  Well, I came up with a list...

1)   hottest star sitting on the crapper
2)   hottest star getting a colonoscopy
3)   hottest star farting in public and trying to deny it
4)   hottest star puking in a restaurant bathroom stall
5)   hottest star giving birth
6)   hottest star sick with the flu
7)   hottest star suffering an overdose
8)   hottest star grieving the loss of a parent
9)   hottest star pigging out in their "fat" clothes
10) hottest star cutting their toenails

'Nuff said.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Musings of the uninspired

Today, my dearest Sassies, is a blank screen kind of day. Inspiration is eluding me. It's an anti-gossip kind of day, where I'm finding articles such as this one - Brad and Angelina successfully sued a British publication for falsely claiming they were breaking up. So, they're very much together. See: anti-gossip. What am I supposed to do with that? 

I still think Angelina's a home wrecking slunt but I care much less now that Jennifer Aniston has reduced herself to a pathetic, desperate ex-wife, subjecting us to a plethora of shitty rom-coms in which she plays the exact same character. Nope, no more sympathy for you Jen. You can flash your fantastic abs all you want, I still know you're sad and lonely. It's nothing to be ashamed of, just stop pretending you feel all "zen" and content with your life. What you resist persists. 

Then I see a commercial for Angelina's newest film Salt. It looks pretty much like every other "falsely accused spy" movie ever made. Except the lead character is a woman instead of a man. Do movie executives automatically assume the vast majority of the population has been lobotomized? 

I mean, I know there are a lot of stupid people out there, and they probably outnumber the smart ones, but still. Have you no imagination? It's the equivalent to someone eating a good meal and puking it up in my mouth. It was good the first time around, not so much the second, or third or 50th.  

I get that Angelina's hot and most men (and some women) want to see her shooting guns and peeling off her clothes and... zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry! Must have drifted off there. Didn't she do that in Gone in 60 seconds and the Tomb Raider films and Taking Lives and Wanted and Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Just sayin'.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Falling off the wagon and onto the couch... to watch The Bachelorette

My dearest Sassies, 

I pride myself on being completely honest with you which is why I must confess... I've fallen off the wagon. I've succumbed to the lure of that dark, caffeinated elixir. Yes folks, I'm on coffee again. To read all about my adventures in caffeine withdrawal, click here

It all started innocently enough. I thought maybe a cup or two of coffee only on the weekends would be fine. And it was mighty fine, oh yes it was. But then, my consumption slowly crept up to a cup or two a day and I was right back where I started pre-caffeine free. 

There was no particular reason why I got off caffeine, no directive from my doctor or anything like that. I just thought I'd try it out. It was good while it lasted. But somehow, life without that soothing cup o' joe in the morning just didn't feel complete. So there you have it, today's true confession. I hope I haven't disappointed you too much. Don't expect much from me and you won't get hurt.

Speaking of not expecting too much, my boyfriend and I watched the latest episode of The Bachelorette the other night. For those of you who don't watch the show, you may not give a crap about the rest of this post, or you might find it mildly entertaining despite your abhorrence of mediocre reality TV.

From serious social commentary here to The Bachelorette. Yes, this is who I am. A contradiction, wrapped in an enigma, sprinkled with irony, and maybe a touch of cinnamon.

So... Ali is now in Tahiti with her final three men: Roberto, Chris L. and Frank. Her first dates are with Roberto and Chris L. Both were pretty boring to watch. Ali, scantily clad, buff men, mostly shirtless, frolicking about in a tropical paradise. Yawn.

Ali, as it turns out, is very vanilla. I haven't heard her say one interesting thing yet this whole season. They talk about nothing on this show. How are you supposed to build a relationship on something that has the consistency of a marshmallow? I also want to slap whoever was in charge of Ali's "island" wardrobe. There were some truly heinous choices that made Ali look old and fat. Not good.

In this episode, we find out that Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend back in Chicago and goes to visit her, TV cameras in tow. Isn't it great how the producers of this show so blatantly f*ck around with Ali? Brutal. Of course, we've known this for weeks. It's been all over the gossipsphere so it wasn't a surprise, which is too bad. It really killed the "drama" factor. 

Frankly, it was no big loss for Ali (no pun intended), although she didn't see it that way. Frank is an emotional train wreck. Better he be someone else's problem. So that left us with a "no surprises" rose ceremony. Both Roberto and Chris L. were staying on the show for another round of "frolicking about in a tropical paradise". But, as Ali put it, she wanted them to "want" the rose as much as she wanted to offer it to them. Apparently, they did. 

Next week is the "reunion" show where they bring back all the contestants who got booted off and openly gossip about each other. Good times... The following week is the big finale episode. My guess is that by the end of this, we'll find out that Ali isn't with any of these guys, and that she actually hooked up with Jake Pavelka, who she pined for on the last season of The Bachelor before abandoning that show to go back to her job. Of course, it won't last. This show is 2 for 19 people, 2 for 19.

In yo' face Vienna, in yo' face!

Monday, July 19, 2010

The epiphany of the swan dress

I was reading a story recently on titled: Charice Pempengco, 18, Gets Skin Tightened and Botox for 'Glee' Role. Somehow, coming across this article reminded me of Icelandic artist Bjork. You may remember the infamous swan dress she wore at the 2001 Oscars. Let me refresh your memory:

I know, I know. Your first reaction might be: WTF is she wearing!? and, who is this strange dame? I had the good fortune of being introduced to Bjork's music years before this picture was taken. I was later astounded by her acting abilities in Dancer in the Dark for which, I believe, she received an Oscar nomination for best song which led to the above-stated red carpet moment. Bjork should have also been on the nomination list for best actress. Dancer in the Dark is easily one of the best, most profound and moving films I've ever seen. 

Predictably, everyone and their dog jumped all over this dress, and she was ridiculed far and wide. So it's not your typical, "glamorous" Oscar dress. It is however, original, just like Bjork. She looks like no one else, she sounds like no one else and she aspires to be no one but herself. I was quite upset at the time that no one commented on her immense talent as an artist. So she doesn't fit the Hollywood mold - she could easily out-act most leading ladies today who are, more often than not, barely distinguishable from each other.

I guess that brings me back to this 18-year-old Filipino singer who professes to be "very proud" to be Asian but underwent a procedure to "narrow" her naturally round face and help her look "fresh" for the cameras. What is wrong with a round face? If I'm not mistaken, Glee spent at least one episode in Season 1 expounding the virtues of being yourself. 

Articles such as this trouble me deeply. If an 18-year-old feels the need to cosmetically enhance herself to fit some American TV image, it reflects our overall Western values which apparently are based solely on conformity and regurgitation of tired bullshit that's been done already. 

So when a true original like Bjork shows up on the scene, she is completely misunderstood and scorned. Which leads me to this passage I'd like to share with you. I wish I could attribute it to someone but I don't know who wrote it. I hope it inspires you as much as it does me.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before.

Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt.
And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time is that when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along.

You have two choices in life: you can dissolve into the mainstream, or you can be distinct.
To be distinct, you must be different. To be different, you must strive to be what no one else but you can be...

Friday, July 16, 2010

Mel comes undone

What is up with Mel Gibson? At first, I heard little tricklings of info: Mel ranting some obscenities again. Now, it's on every gossip site: phone conversations recorded between Mel and Oksana Grigorieva, his estranged baby momma, and it ain't pretty.

Mel resorts to some sordid language and basically goes ape shit on Oksana, calling her a variety of highly offensive names. Should this surprise us after his anti-Semitic rant back in 2006? Not really. You wanna know why? Because Mel is a crazy Christian, and they cannot be trusted. 

You know the ones, the God-fearing, Bible thumping extremists who profess to have found Jesus and live by strict, moral codes. If you have the misfortune of crossing paths with one of these zealots, it would be reasonable to automatically assume they are a danger to you and themselves. They are the biggest, baddest hypocrites to ever walk the earth. The more fervent they are about their "religion", the more twisted they are behind closed doors. 

Think Jimmy Swaggert pleading for forgiveness for"consorting" with a prostitute or the sex scandal that ended Jim Bakker's career. How many Catholic priests have now been charged with molestation? Religious fanatics claim to be one thing but are entirely another, as Mel Gibson has so aptly demonstrated. 

That's what happens when you deny the healthy expression of basic, biological instincts and systematically denigrate women - you become one f*cked up son of a bitch.

Poor Mel. He's come unhinged. Now would be a good time to pick up Atheism, or something...

 You bitch. Me crazy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Letters to D. - part deux

Dear D.,

Hope everything is super awesome at camp. Here's the latest report from The Bachelorette:

This week's episode consisted of the "hometown / meet the family" dates. First up: Roberto, who is from Tampa, Florida. The two hung out on a baseball diamond, and got all giddy throwing a baseball around; Ali jumped into Roberto's arms when he walked onto the field in his baseball uniform, and he gave her his baseball card, from the days when he played for a team based in Ali's hometown in Massachusetts. She was touched.

Then it was off to Roberto's family's place. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. His dad was a little reticent at first but gave his blessing to Roberto should he be chosen and decide to propose to Ali. Roberto's dad also asked Ali if she would be willing to sacrifice some of her dreams to support Roberto in his. She responded that she would do what was best for her family. Good evasion tactic. The visit finished with some lively dancing in the living room.

Ali was then off to Cape Cod to meet Chis L.'s family. She and Chris frolicked on the beach on a rainy day, playing with Chris' dog. Then, it was time to meet his family. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. Then Chris brought her to the top of this tower thing and they kissed. Kudos to Chris for really kissing Ali, none of this pecking shit. This was a makeout kiss. Ali was also wearing the bracelet Chris gave her in last week's episode. Good times...

Next up: Kirk's family in Green Bay, Wisconsin. At first, Kirk's dad seemed a little creepy as he invited Ali down to his basement to show her his stuffed animals (like, real animals that were alive once but are now dead). Ali was somewhat disturbed. But then they started talking, and it turns out Kirk's dad is a really decent guy. He said one of the most intelligent things I've ever heard on this show: "Are you compatible? If you go off and do your thing and Kirk goes off and does his thing, it won't work." Truer words were never spoken.

Then, they headed to Kirk's mom's place since his parents are divorced. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. Then, Kirk's mother shared a teary story about how inspiring her son is for recovering from some mystery illness a few years back, and showed Ali an old, tattered bracelet she wore to show her support for Kirk during his illness. Apparently, the bracelet mysteriously reappeared on her bed shortly after Kirk left to be on The Bachelorette. She thought it was a sign.

And last but not least, Ali headed to Chicago, Frank's hometown. Frank was a bloody mess, all emotional and uncertain of the situation. He was also wearing a heinous outfit - a white, low-cut tank top thingy with a brown knit sweater. Oy. Then, they went to meet his family. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. 

The boys and Ali then headed back to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony. It was a tough one. Ali cried. She ultimately decided to send Kirk home and keep whiny Frank. As was hinted at by next week's previews, this was a mistake. Ali and her final three guys are headed to Tahiti for the home stretch of this season's Bachelorette. It ain't gonna be pretty. We know Frank's gonna break her heart. Awful fashion is always a bad omen.

Until next week... 


Monday, July 12, 2010

From consternation to fornication

There is nothing a TV addict loves more than finding a new gem of a series, a new drug, so to speak. I had just such an experience over the weekend. My boyfriend and I felt we were in a TV slump. Lots of free time, not so many good TV shows to fill it. We had both heard that Mad Men was a great series but hadn't yet seen an episode. So, we decided to rent the first season and see what all the hoopla was about.

We knew, five minutes into the first episode, that this was the shit. We were partaking of the "totally addictive TV" nectar, and it went down smooth. We've seen about seven episodes of the first season so far, and Mad Men does not disappoint. Apart from the riveting drama, it's a sleek recreation of the early sixties, and all the social mores that go with it, like the chain smoking (pregnant ladies included), drunk driving, perfectly manicured red fingernails and matching lips, male machismo running rampant, and housewives bathed in a deep seated malaise.

It's beautiful to watch and also shocking. For those of us who weren't alive back then, it's a sobering history lesson, a reminder of how the ideals of post-war America quietly eroded the dreams of a whole generation, stuck in narrow definitions of sex, race, religion, politics and culture. 

And it's damn good TV. 

As was this documentary we saw last week, American Swingers, about a heterosexual swingers sex club in New York City, Plato's Retreat, open in the late seventies and early eighties, and about its colorful owner, Larry Levenson. 

Whoah! This place was outta control! I'm talkin' all out orgies. There was a space in the club called the "mattress room". It was covered with, you guessed it, mattresses! and could hold a large group of couples, all writhing in ecstasy as one big f*cking machine. Or, if you were a little more on the shy side, there were smaller rooms for 2-3 couples, and many other amenities such as a swimming pool, steam baths and a dance floor. 

Larry Levenson went to jail for a while for tax evasion, then came back to the biz but the club was eventually shut down in the mid-eighties over concerns about AIDS. Larry morphed into a washed up, broke, overweight taxi driver who died at age 62 of a heart attack. Go figure. 

Yummy, yummy, yummy in my TV tummy.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Emmy loves irony and La Lohan's words worth $1 million

Well, well, well.... The Emmy nominations are out and there was a delicious little surprise - The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien was nominated but not the The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - and both were submitted for consideration. Karma's a bitch. 

Not surprisingly, Glee garnered 19 nominations. I'm kind of happy for them but my enthusiasm for this show has waned. At first, I was all "Oh my God, Glee is on! Drop everything and proceed to the television!" But by the season finale, I was like "Meh." It's fun and all but kind of empty. It's not really speaking to me anymore. Perhaps this will change during Season 2, perhaps not. The one person who keeps me coming back to this show is Jane Lynch. I think as long as she's in it, I'll keep watching, just to see what great lines they've given her, and Jane's brilliant delivery of said dialogue. 

On another note, where the hell is Weeds in all this nomination business? It's one of the most brilliant comedies on television and doesn't even get a nod? WTF? Stupid award shows. Why do I even care? It's like the Oscars. Every year, I'm incensed by someone the Academy overlooked or an Oscar that goes to someone who doesn't really deserve it. Obviously, I have all the answers and could confer all Oscars on the winners I deem appropriate, and everyone would agree with me. I'm glad we understand each other.

Next up, Lindsay Lohan will apparently be demanding at least $1 million for her first post-jail interview. Huh? That interview isn't worth 2 cents. What has Lindsay got to say that's worth that much? What kind of wisdom can she impart on us peasants that would make our lives better? 

Being an addict and getting thrown in the slammer will apparently be a bigger payday for Lindsay than any legitimate acting gig. So kids, the lesson here is: become famous, screw up your life real good with drugs and general f*ckery, get yourself thrown in jail, and boom! massive paycheck. And all this time, I thought Lindsay was just some skanky attention whore. Clever, Linds, clever.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Letters to D.

Dear D.,

Watched The Bachelorette last night. It wasn't quite the same without you... So, here's my report of the night's events:

Ali and her remaining suitors are now in Lisbon, Portugal - very pretty. I am jealous. Ali's first one-on-one date is with Roberto. It goes very well but she feels he's still a bit of a mystery. Whatever. Roberto is a good guy. We know this. At least we think we do. What I don't know, however, is what Ali's problem is.

Then, she has a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty. Awkward... Why does the show allow this? It is so painful to watch. Oh. Maybe that's why. Anyway, Ali found the date really uncomfortable. Duh, of course it was weird, unless you're into threesomes which she clearly is not. Ali spent some "alone" time with Ty first to make sure he wasn't too much of a "traditional" guy and wouldn't mind if she had a job and stuff. I thought he passed the test.

She then had alone time with Frank who revealed that he lives at home with his parents because he quit his job, moved to Europe for a while to go find himself or something, then came back and is currently unemployed. Despite all this, Ali still finds Frank funny and interesting.

Next, Ali has a one-on-one date with Kirk - the guy she apparently really likes to kiss. However, on the date she's very preoccupied and distracted. The thought that the "meet the parents" dates are coming up next seem to be stressing her out. Really? You're traveling around the world, you've got a bevy of hot guys pining for you, and you're stressing? Please. Can you say high maintenance? Ali is starting to annoy me. 

Her next one-on-one is with Chris L. She was having a difficult time understanding her feelings for him and thought their relationship was moving slowly. But then things got better when Chris opened up about his mom, who passed away, and gave Ali a pretty bracelet.

In the end, Ali sent Ty home, and she was wearing Chris L.'s bracelet during the rose ceremony. What could it possibly mean?

BUT, all this turned out to be a prelude for the "pièce de résistance" of the evening: an interview with Jake and Vienna. Holy crap! It was AWESOME. Vienna accused Jake of being emotionally abusive. Jake accused Vienna of cheating. Vienna called Jake a fame whore. Jake said he was "disgusted" by Vienna for selling him out. It was the crack cocaine of reality TV. 

Then, Vienna started talking about her dog and the host, Chris Harrison, cuts in and says something like "We don't really care about the dog." Turns out Chris is actually a cool guy. I like him now. It all pretty much ended when Vienna walked out of the interview, crying, calling Jake cruel, or something. This interview was the icing on the crap TV cake. I almost felt bad that I was enjoying it so much. Almost...

Hope you're having a fabulous time!

Miss you,


Monday, July 5, 2010

No True Blood = Random musings

I'm all for Americans celebrating their great country but not when it messes with my True Blood viewing schedule. I was all pumped last night to watch a new episode at 9 pm, followed by Hung. But lo and behold, HBO was airing the three episodes we've already seen and Hung wasn't even on the schedule. 

Then it dawned on me. It's July 4th - a holiday in the US. Damn. I mean, good for my neighbours to the South but bad for us Canadians who rely on American networks for our TV fix. I was totally discombobulated and had to quickly put together a plan B. 

Luckily, my boyfriend found Family Guy and we watched a couple episodes instead of True Blood. I was reminded of Seth MacFarlane's genius and that of his writing team. F*ck that show is funny, and not an easy, obvious kind of funny. You've got to be paying attention. It's smart people funny, and it cushioned the blow of the absence of a new True Blood episode.

I was also impressed with Americans when I saw the results of a recent Insider survey in which Sandra Bullock was voted favorite American while Spencer Pratt and his lovely wife Heidi Montag were voted most embarrassing. This restored my faith in humanity, especially after finding out that a wax figure of Kim Kardashian would be making an appearance at Madame Tussauds. 

That it was generally acknowledged that Spencer and Heidi are a blight on our collective consciousness makes me think there are intelligent people out there. Some days I wonder. Today is not one of those days. For more on Heidi Montag and why Americans should be embarrassed by her, click here and here.

Us Canadians have enough to deal with what with those two complete idiots, Craig and Justin, appearing on the latest season of The Bachelorette. They brought shame to our land and should be punished accordingly - like having to perform lewd acts on trees while wearing a bear costume. Maybe I've been watching too much Family Guy...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Celebrity gossip < lowest common denominator

I'm always keenly aware, when reading celebrity gossip, that it is the basest of literature but there are some days when gossip truly out-trashes itself. Here are a few recent headlines from The Huffington Post that demonstrate my point:
Jeremy Piven drops his phone in toilet at sushi restaurant

Wow. Really? It must've been a painfully slow news day because there is no excuse for this. Who the f*ck cares? Jeremy Piven caught in a threesome with a monkey and Tony Danza - now that's news! 

 Justin Bieber: My mom's not doing Playboy

Yowza. Justin Bieber should not have to comment on whether or not his mother is posing for Playboy. Apparently, it's not true and Justin's mother will not bare all in the famous mag. Understandably, Justin tweeted that this rumour "just grossed and weirded me out". Word.

Susan Sarandon to film ping-pong reality show

Huh? Since when do Oscar winners do reality TV? Obviously, I did not get the memo. Susan, you cannot possibly be that hard up for cash. Apparently, she owns a ping pong nightclub in New York City called SPiN. Ping pong. Nightclub. Cannot compute. I guess it's better than just sittin' around, snorting lines of coke. Who doesn't like ping pong? 

Kim Kardashian to be immortalized in wax

This one just makes me want to hurt people. WTF? Kim Kardashian at Madame Tussauds? She's not a movie star or historical figure. Is this museum now admitting the likenesses of vapid fame whores?  If that's the case, maybe Kate Gosselin or Jake Pavelka will be next. God help us.


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