Thursday, July 21, 2011

Fun with CNN Souvenirs - Episode 6

If you're not familiar with this cutting edge series, you can catch up on earlier episodes before diving into this new one (it's a most excellent way to procrastinate if there's something you need to do but don't really want to. Just sayin'.):

**These episodes are solely a product of my own imagination. Any resemblance whatsoever to actual events is purely coincidental.

Soledad: This is far from over Sassy. 

Me: Is that a threat?

Soledad: You bet your ass it is, you bitch. You will suffer as I have suffered. Maybe even worse.

Me: I didn't realize the public ridicule would be so far reaching.

Soledad: Oh please. Don't play dumb with me. I Facebook creeped you. I know you leaked the fashion show fiasco story to anyone who would listen.

Me: You deserved it, blackmailing Anderson the way you did. You got beat at your own game and you didn't like it. It's not so much fun being on the other side, is it?

Soledad: Your problem is that you underestimate me. I never get beat. Never.

Me: Suck it up Princess. You didn't get the information you wanted from Sanjay and now I know what you so desperately tried to pry out of him using my husband. And I must say, I look f*cking fabulous after a few weeks on Sanjay's all-chocolate diet. Don't you think?

Soledad: So smug. I've done some research on you.

Me: Facebook stalking hardly qualifies as research.

Soledad: Oh, that was just the tip of the iceberg. I have contacts. People who owe me favours. And I found out a very interesting fact about you. You're deathly afraid of cats. 

Me (turning ashen): That's ridiculous.

Soledad: Is it? The colour seems to have drained from your face. I'd say I'm onto something.

Me: I'd say you're reading into things and are gravely mistaken. 

Soledad: Oh really. Well, why don't we put that theory to the test (Soledad reaches into a large tote bag and pulls out...)

Me (utterly frightened but trying to hide it)

Soledad: Would you like to hold her?

Me (hesitating): Sure. (Soledad places the cat on my lap.)

Soledad: Oooh, I think she likes you. That's good because I bought her for you. You can take her home with you.

Me: How... thoughtful of you. 

Soledad: I know. Now, don't be shy. You can pet her. 

Me (with beads of sweat forming at my brow, I slowly place my hand on the cat and begin stroking it)

Soledad: It's a match made in heaven.

Me: It sure is. I... I adore her. 

Soledad: Are you sure? You don't seem convinced.

Me: Of course I'm sure. 

Soledad: It's just that... you don't look so good. 

Me: I'm fine. Really. (Paralyzed with fear, I pass out.)

Soledad: Now I have you right where I want you. It's payback time bitch.

What will Soledad do to me? Will Anderson and Sanjay come to my rescue? Find out on the next episode of Fun with CNN Souvenirs.

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