Friday, February 5, 2010

Not only is Aniston single, her home is too

Oh Jenny, Jen, Jen. Why do you resort to such overtly desperate tactics? Remodeling your home for the "single life"? WTF? That's basically telling the Universe you don't want a man - ever. If that were true, then it wouldn't be a problem. But we all know you cry yourself to sleep every night over your singledom. 

You know Brad's into architecture. And now you're in Architectural Digest. Jen, you need to get over Brad. You need to let go. And if you want a man, you need a home that's open to a potential partner, not only the 24 friends you can seat at once in your dining room. 

You also need to stop dating douchey losers. You know who they are. And making crappy-ass movies. You claim you "entertain for a living". 

Well, these days you bore for a living. You bore us with your bland, one-dimensional, hey it's Rachel Green in another movie!-type characters. I know, I've said this all before. But it seems every time I turn around, there's another article about you, touting your fabulously single life. 

If I were you, I'd actually lay low for a while, stay out of the media. You're overexposed and sympathy for you is waning. You don't want that, especially when the media firestorm of Brangelina's breakup eventually arrives. 

Oh yes, it'll be your dream come true. But don't you dare take him back. Simply relish in the karmic kick-back and get on with your life. 

You don't need to perpetually convince us you're happy. You're overcompensating and we can smell the desperation. It's actually having the opposite effect of what you intended. 

Now might be a good time for an extended vacation, maybe somewhere secluded. Like Canada. It's too cold up here these days for the paparazzi. Carpe diem.

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