Various titillating tidbits

Ricky Martin is gay. Wow. Can we all agree this is not news and that we've known this, like, forever? Good. Moving on...

How's this for an article title: Mischa Barton vomits at bar. Why is Mischa Barton even mentioned anymore? She is so three years ago. Her OC fame is long past its due date. What has she done since that merits any kind of attention? 

Well, puking at a bar. I guess that'll get a washed-up has-been back in the news. This is when you know they're desperate, grasping at straws, willing to do anything to be back in the spotlight. 

I've seen a couple episodes of the OC. Mischa can't act fo' shit. It's bad, like, really bad. Cringe-worthy. Ms. Barton must consider a career change. Otherwise, her public puking will have to continue. It's not like her talent, or lack thereof, will maintain her tenuous celebrity status. 

 Come on cabbie! I just puked on the sidewalk.

Apparently, Jesse James has entered rehab. Déjà vu, anyone? This sounds vaguely familiar, except without a mysterious car crash. What the f*ck is going on? You cheat, therefore you must be a sex addict? There's no other explanation? 

We really need to snap out of our victimology, where every despicable action can be justified by some "disorder". I call bullshit. You're a lyin', cheatin' bastard Jesse James. Period.

 You a dirty skank, yes you is.

Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of the May issue of the UK Harper's Bazaar, which goes on sale this week. She discusses her "rebirth" five years after her split from Brad Pitt. 

If I have to hear about her f*cking "rebirth" post-Brad one more time, I may have to wield some sharp, heavy object into a cut-out of Jen's face. She's been "re-birthing" for the past five f*cking years! What else is there to say about this? She and Brad broke up. Boo-hoo. She picked up the pieces. Yé! Now can we move on with our lives? Geez....

Jen says of her rebirth: "I love trying new things. I can't just be put in a box." That's funny because she keeps crawling into the same box of lame-ass rom-coms. And they only seem to be getting worse. 

Every time I turn around these days, there's a picture of her and Gerard Butler pimping their insufferable drivel The Bounty Hunter. Jen's overexposed and undertalented. She peaked during Friends and it's been downhill from there. Time for Jen to make a good movie or go away. 

I am so NOT trying to be like Angelina Jolie. Like, so not.

Jake revealed as fame whore, Kate being, well, Kate and Pamela impresses

My opinion of Jake Pavelka has plummeted. He's hired PR firm Rogers & Cowan to represent him because (surprise, surprise) he wants to become an actor. WTF?

I thought Jake was a pilot? Apparently, one of his roomies on The Bachelorette claimed Jake was only there to try and become the next Bachelor. And an ex-girlfriend claims he's fame-obsessed. Guess she's right. 

Now I'm glad Jake didn't pick Tenley. She's too good for him. He kept Vienna on the show for ratings and probably "chose" her to stay in the spotlight. God, it's so obvious now. Ick. I thought it was strange that he would sign on for Dancing With the Stars so soon after The Bachelor. I mean, didn't he want to spend some quality time getting to know his fiancée? 

Apparently, Jakey has other plans. Plans to become a famous actor. I fart in his general direction. That's how I feel about him now. 

 You lie, Jake, you lie. This hurts me.

Then there's Kate Gosselin, fighting with her Dancing With the Stars partner, Tony Dovolani who walked out on her during rehearsal. Kate, a whiny, selfish bitch? I cannot possibly imagine... She's been on this show one week too long. 

 Oh Tony. Did you murder someone in a past life? It's the only way to explain why you must endure this.

On the other hand, I was strangely impressed with Pamela Anderson. It hurts to even admit that. Who knew she could dance? She looks good, she moves well and she's in character. Kudos to you, Pam. For a fleeting moment, I forgot about your crusty-crotch skankiness. 

God, I'm watching Dancing With the Stars. I knew it would all be downhill after The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. I dare not think to what depths I will sink to next...

Biting the hand that feeds you

Chloe Sevigny has been dissin' her show, Big Love, calling the last season "awful" and "far-fetched". Kind of reminds me of Katherine Heigl who was bad mouthin' the writers of Grey's Anatomy a few years ago for providing her character Izzie with weak material unworthy of an Emmy nod. 

I have mixed feelings about these types of comments. On one hand, Katherine had a point. Grey's turned to shit in Season 4 and has never recovered. But as an actor on the show, do you bite the hand that feeds you and acknowledge what everyone else knows already?

I don't watch Big Love, so it's tough to say if Chloe's comments were justified. It's definitely a grey area. Although, she kinda dragged her two co-stars into the conversation saying they were also unhappy with the latest season' s storyline. Now that's a no-no. Bitch all you want but don't involve your sistas. If they want to speak out, they will. But they're probably smart enough not to. 

I'm thinkin' if you're on a hit show, keep your mouth shut. The writers pretty much determine what happens to your character. So if you don't want to become a bit player with an asinine storyline, play the part of grateful working actor. Things could be worse. You could be on Dancing With the Stars.

As for Heigl, she has Anistonnitis. She was a big TV star, then started making shitty rom-coms, playing Izzie in all of them. Good for you! You can only play ONE character! If you can't act fo' shit, as Heigl has so far demonstrated since attempting to play characters other than Izzie, don't be dissin' the writers. Maybe they saw the cracks in your "talented actress" masque, and gave you crap material because they thought that's all you could handle. Just sayin'.

Shameful display of TV enslavement

My dearest Sassies, I've always known I have an addiction to TV but yesterday I was exposed to the soft underbelly of this alluring habit, crack cocaine vs the usual marijuana buzz, if you will. I was at home all day yesterday and, of course, did not want to watch regular daytime TV. Ewww. 

But I needn't have feared, The Movie Network came to the rescue. I scrolled through the listings and there it was, shining like a diamond in the ruff: Six Feet Under. I didn't expect it to still be there but sure enough, there it was, calling my name. I swore I'd only watch one episode. I could do that. 

Wrong. Five episodes, a TV headache, and two bloodshot eyes later, my boyfriend and step-daughter had to stage an intervention. Oh, the shame. This show, I don't know what it does to me, but it's like I enter into this coma, and once I start watching, I can't stop. It's like I have no free will. The show speaks to me, tells me not to look away. And I don't, to my own detriment. 

Yes, boys and girls, this is the downside of TV dependence. The garden variety TV addict can be described as someone who must, at some point during the day, watch TV. This seems perfectly reasonable. Then, there are the hard-core TV addicts, the ones who are so entranced, they will sell their first-born to the highest bidder if it means they can keep watching their favorite show. 

It ain't pretty.

Kate Gosselin's karmic kick-back

O.M.G. This is actually painful to watch, it's so bad. And yet, I relished every minute of it. When fame whoring douchebags are called on their shit, it is so sweet. Time to go back home to your kids Kate and play mommy. Today is a good day.

A haircut is not news

Sometimes, when you're in the groove and you think you're the shit, the Universe has a way of keeping you humble with an occasional smackdown. This happened to me over the weekend when my boyfriend and I squeezed in some spring downhill skiing before all the snow disappears due to an unusually warm winter.

So there we were, on the hill, when I chose to ignore my instincts (mistake) and decided to go down a rather steep run which I've successfully descended in the past, despite my terror. But alas, spring conditions are not winter conditions. They can be tricky. 

I almost made it to safe ground. And then, I went down. My skis flew off in opposite directions, and I slid down the remainder of the hill in a reverse snow angel (face in the snow). Yeah, who's super cool now?

Having been smacked down, I feel I must pay it forward. That's just the kind of person I am. The Universe speaks to me, and I share the message. Today I'm smacking down People.com and The Huffington Post for listing this as an actual story. 

Really? A celebrity gets a hair cut and this is news? And it's Jennifer Love Hewitt. Who cares about Jennifer Love Hewitt? At best, she's a C-list celebrity. If you're gonna feature hair cuts as news, at least make it about an A-lister. And even then, you're reachin', reeeally reachin'. 

If it's a slow celeb news day, just post photos of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt or Suri Cruise. This will be enough. Look, I'll demonstrate:

Ooohhhh.....

Aaahhhh.....

Jennifer who?

Holy Crap! It's a whole new look!

Family, friends, devoted fans, frenemies, enemies, strangers, this is the dawn of a new day for Sassy Stylings. It's a whole new look yo'. Same sass, different look. This is me, caffeine-free. Peace out.

Starbucks marketing genius and Zen disruption

So there I was in my Pumas, Roots recycled cotton jeans, Tommy Hilfiger top, Lululemon hoodie and Mountain Equipment Co-op shell, waiting to order my decaf, half-sweet, soy milk vanilla latté at Starbucks (I'm so mainstream it hurts...) when I see this on the door:

Now, I don't know if the Starbucks marketing people have really thought this through. As soon as I read it, I smiled because it made me think of farts and poo. Immediately. Not coffee, but things that come out of your ass. Somehow, I don't think this was their intention. They may want to rethink that slogan. It's definitely memorable but for the wrong reasons. Although, caffeinated beverages usually make people want to pee and poo. Or maybe that's just me...

I decided a couple weeks ago to stop drinking coffee. I'm proud to say I survived the caffeine withdrawal process. It was not pretty, my Sassies, not pretty. First, there's the "fuzzy head" syndrome where you feel like your head is filled with shag carpeting and you're trying to see through kaleidoscope glasses. 

Then come the splitting headaches and afternoon crashes. Oye. It hurt to look at my computer screen. Then, the sleepies - all I wanted to do was sleep, all day, all night. If I had a pillow that was small enough to fit in my backpack, I would have napped at the bus stop on the way to work. 

But then, ohhhh, sweet victory. You begin to reach the other side. Deep sleep like I haven't experienced since, well, I can't even remember. And the most surprising: energy. I have energy throughout the day that is not synthetically fueled. And I pee a lot less. I don't know about you but coffee turned my bladder into a weak motherf*cker. I had to go all the time. Now I can pee in the morning and not have to go until lunch. It's a MIRACLE! 

Not that I'm advocating caffeine-free living. Apparently, there are some benefits to caffeine consumption and I think it affects everyone differently. I loved the stuff but it was bad shit for me. I was seriously hopped up, running on overdrive. Not good. These days I'm diggin' my newfound Zen, apart from the trauma that Jesse James has caused me due to his overwhelming stupidity. 

Now he's issued an official apology. What I don't get is why he feels the need to say this: "The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment." Is he really trying to whitewash this? Dude, you are guilty, guiltay! This doesn't soften the blow. 

Apparently, In Touch paid what's her face almost $30,000 for her tell-all interview. She claims she did it because she wanted to become a "mainstream celebrity". You want to be famous by being a whoring home wrecker? Really? This chick, Michelle McGee, has two kids. Look what mommy did to feed you. Nice. 

 Get a job!

Achy-breaky heart - Part Deux

My dearest Sassies, I am beside myself. The heartache continues, and worsens. 

First up: Sandra Bullock has moved out of the home she shares with Jesse James and she abruptly pulled out of an appearance at the London premiere of her movie The Blind Side. This does not bode well. 

These are not the actions of two people who are the victims of vicious rumours (note Brangelina's extreme togetherness since rumours of their split appeared). No, this is something different. This is what happens when there is truth to insinuation.

Jesse James, you f*cking douchebag. Seriously? I mean, seriously? I am shocked and dismayed. Unless Sandra's hiding some serious crazy that only Jesse knows about, there is no excuse for this. Even then, if you're miserable, get out before you stick your dick in someone else's vagina. Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? Man up, have some balls for Christ's sake. Don't go lurking around outside your marriage while your wife is away filming the movie that would ultimately win her the Oscar. 

Oh, the irony. My heart aches for Sandra. 

 Dude, really? Fake boobs and tattoos over gorgeossity? Loser.

Next: alleged reasons why Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes broke up. According to People.com, they simply grew apart because Sam is a workaholic. Other reports state that Kate's career was to blame. However, the most disturbing is this report from the Daily Mail stating that another woman, actress Rebecca Hall is to blame. 

 YES!!!

 NO!!!

Shhh. I think I can hear my heart breaking... all over again! A double whammy in one week - I can't deal, man. It's too much. What is going on? Has Hollywood always been this fickle? Listen to me, what am I saying... of course it has. It's just so much more painful when it's happening to people you deeply admire, and not to skanks and twats like Pamela Anderson or Tori Spelling.

No, this is different. This shakes up my world, and not in a "oohhh, it vibrates" kind of way but in a "I think I heard the earth crack" kind of way. Perhaps I'm being a tad melodramatic but a girl's gotta channel her agony somehow. If not this, then indiscriminate shoe buying, and that can only lead to no good.

Tattooed twat fame whoring and La Lohan busted for fashion failure

There I was mindin' my own business, trollin' around the gossipscape when I came across one of those articles where the first thing I think is: "Say it ain't so!". I cannot revel in the sensationalism because if it turns out to be true, it will make me very sad. 

You don't do this to my girl Sandy. It better be lies, all lies. Jesse James isn't that much of a douche, is he? I admit, I don't know much about him but Sandra speaks highly of him, and that was good enough for me. 

But what if it's true? Be still my heart. Who does that? And with some tattooed twat to boot. No, this cannot be. I'm waiting for a rebuttal, for Sandy and Jesse to sue. Say it ain't so Jess, say it ain't so...

On another note, surprise, surprise, La Lohan is no longer working for French fashion house Ungaro. No shit Sherlock. I coulda called that one months ago. Everything this girl touches turns to shit. She's gotta go underground for a long while, long enough for us to forget she's such a f*cking handitard if she has any chance of salvaging some semblance of a career in showbiz.

She claims "there's legal stuff going on" and "can't really discuss it". You mean they're suing your ass because you suck? Actually, Ungaro should be held just as responsible for La Lohan's spectacular failure in fashion. What the f*ck were they thinking? Hiring some skanky, cokehead has-been who considers herself "fashionable"? Please. 

Ungaro got what was coming to them for making such an absurd choice. How about hiring people with an actual background in fashion to collaborate with you? Don't assume that just because celebs wear it, they can design it. They can't. Most of them don't even pick out their own clothes. They have stylists. Duh. 

 Fail...

True Blood returns in June!

Found out today that the Season 3 premiere of True Blood will air on Sunday, June 13 at 9 pm EST on HBO. Am counting down the days. This is fangtastic.  

(Yes, the whole purpose of this post was to use that word: fangtastic. I'm probably not the first to come up with it, but I'd like to think I am. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.)

Betty White rocks it and Jessica Simpson shows potential

At 88 years old, Betty White has signed on to a full season of a new sitcom, titled "Hot". And she's scheduled to host Saturday Night Live this spring. Holy f*ck, this woman is awesome! I loved her in Golden Girls. And no, I don't feel the need to explain why I watched Golden Girls in the first place. (It was the '80s. It's what we did. We watched lame ass sitcoms. ) 

However, this doesn't negate the fact that the cast of this sappy sitcom was da' bomb. Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty. These bitches had it goin' on. Kudos to Betty for kickin' it in 2010 at 88. I love this woman.

On another note, Simpleminded Simpson has impressed me. Bet you had to read that twice. 

Jessica has a new reality show called The Price of Beauty with, much to my surprise, an interesting premise. She travels around the world to find out what other cultures consider beautiful. This is interesting. This may shed some light on a topic that affects women around the world. A huge departure from her Newlyweds days. 

Of course, there were some classic Simpleminded Simpson moments in the season premiere when she and her posse visited Thailand, like when she gagged in the middle of a public market after trying some fried worm, and caught a case of the giggles while meditating with a Buddhist monk. Oh Jessica, I don't know if this makes you more endearing or more pathetic. 

Either way, kudos to you for a show that may actually have potential.

Jessica with her posse (Ken Paves and Cacee Cobb)

Cacee? Who spells their name this way? Is it pronounced Kay-see"? Cacee? Sounds like Say-See. Except the "C" is probably meant to sound like a "K". It's very confusing. But I digress...

My achy-breaky heart

I am shocked and saddened. There are some celebrities that I truly do like, some I would want to invite over for dinner because they're the shit - assuming celebrities would want to come over to a total stranger's house. These are two such celebrities, and that they're breaking up breaks my heart. 

And it was reported by the BBC, so you know it's official. This ain't no Brangelina break-up rumour. This is fo' reals. Kate, she's on my girl crush list. Ridiculously talented and totally hot. And Sam... Sam directed one of my favorite movies of all time: American Beauty. 

It hurts just to look at this picture...

Sometimes, these break-ups, they wound. I get invested in the relationship, and then... It's like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon; Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (before I knew Tom was a cult icon). These super couples, you think they're gonna last forever. And then they don't. Sadness. 

Of course, knowing Tom's religious zealousness, I can understand why he and Nicole didn't work out. Nicole is sane (I think). As for Tim and Susan, it's still unclear. No one seems to know for sure. And, of course, it's none of our business, really. 

But I still want to know. 

Tom and Nicole in happier days (when he seemed normal) 

Tim and Susan, back in the day (man, she looks hot in this photo)

Desperation reaches new heights

How's this for an eye-catching article title: "Demi Moore Teaches Daughter Rumer Pole Dancing". But of course! (said with French accent) What else is there to do when you're attending a party at the Château Marmont? Apparently, when Demi sees poles she can't help but jump unto them to show everyone "she still has what it takes". Puke. 

Still has what it takes to what, revive a sagging career, reverse your has-been status? Let's face it, without Ashton and plastic surgery, she'd already be forgotten, only to be remembered during odes to 80's movie directors (à la John Hughes at the Oscars - could Mathew Broderick and Molly Ringwald have been any shittier? But I digress...)

Then, as her husband looks on, Demi encourages her 21-year-old daughter to join her. Heh? Am I the only one who thinks this is kinda weird? I haven't done the math or anything, but isn't Rumer closer in age to Ashton than Demi is? Watchin' his step-daughter pole dance, with his wife. Ewww.....

Speaking of desperate, here's the latest cover of W magazine:

Apparently, these two are adamant they're not together. But of course! (there's that French accent again) You just do skeezy magazine spreads together, 'cause that's what friends do when they hang out. Please. Jen is so desperate for attention now that Brangelina is once again in the spotlight, very much together (although I'm still convinced those two won't last - but that is a discussion for another time). Jen must counteract all the sweet Brangelina baby photos emerging from their latest European adventure. 

So she amps it up and gets her sleeze on, with Gerard Butler. I do not find this man attractive. He looks like a douche. And in the sparse, short snippets I've seen of him on TV, my suspicion has been confirmed. Oh Jen, why do you debase yourself this way? Brangelina baby will always win out over skanky spread with douchey co-star.

Heidi Montag's staggering stupidity

Just when I think Heidi Montag can't sink any lower or get any dumber, she surprises me. I came across this gem on People.com. Canning your husband, I can understand. He seems like a total douche. But hiring a psychic in his place? Really? 

What kind of career-managing skills does a psychic have? I guess the one advantage, being a psychic and all, will be that Heidi's new manager can tell her now that she will fail in showbiz due to lack of talent, and Heidi can pursue some other line of work, and stop subjecting us to her idiocy.

Heidi claims she's "cleared all the negative energy in her life". I beg to differ. If she ditches the husband completely, then I might believe her. She also claims she's had "incredible experiences healing her life". You mean healing from being voluntarily hacked up and spit out as a generic Barbie-figure?

This girl, she makes no sense. On one hand, she's clearing her life of negativity, with a psychic who will help her manage her career "with light and love". On the other hand, Heidi underwent 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day to basically look like someone else. Was that meant to clear her negative perceptions about herself?

I don't buy it. Heidi couldn't move her face a couple months ago, and claims she "almost died" from plastic surgery. Now she's all New Age-y, healing her life? Heal from the inside out, Heidi. Changing the outside doesn't erase self-doubt and fear of inadequacy. However, getting rid of your fame whoring douchey husband might help. 

I don't know about you but I think the "before" looks way better than the "after".

I am not alone!

It's day two of being caffeine-free. Day two is always so much harder than day one. Why is that? It's like when you start exercising. Day one after that first workout isn't so bad. Day two is when the pain really sets in. 

My head feels really fuzzy, and also, like it's going to explode. Why no more caffeine, you ask? Well, I get pretty hopped up on the stuff, and it sets my bladder into overdrive. 

I'm tryin' to get Zen, like, really Zen. I think caffeine is inhibiting this process. I even slept better last night, after only one day without my morning coffee. I already seem to be reaping some benefits. Thank God, because I feel like ass. 

All this to say that today's post will be short and sweet, with an emphasis on sweet. I came across this Guardian article and found out I wasn't alone. Someone else out there also found The Hurt Locker woefully lacking in substance. I can even stomach the first two paragraphs about Kathryn Bigelow deserving a best director Oscar because the rest of the article makes up for that. 

Thank God there are other intelligent people out there. I was getting worried...

Oscars lack discernment this year

Well, my dearest Sassies, it happened, as I knew it would. That piece of shit movie, glorifying what Michael Moore dubbed " a fictitious war, started by a fictitious president" at the 2003 Oscars, won best picture at last night's Academy Awards. 

If it weren't for the fact that The Hurt Locker was so tediously boring and cliché, I could be happy that the first female ever won the best director Oscar. But alas, I cannot share in this joy. Not for that movie.

There were far superior flicks in the best picture category. That they chose a douchey movie on the war in Iraq while winners dedicated their Oscars to the troops reeked of overinflated, underinformed patriotism. I try to like the Americans, but then they pull this kind of shit. 

I knew we were in trouble when The Hurt Locker won two awards early on for sound editing and mixing. At least all the acting award winners were judiciously chosen. This seemed to ease my frustration.

I was especially happy Sandra Bullock won the award for best actress. I like that girl a lot. She's the real deal. Talented, smart, funny, hot. Killer combo. And now she's an Oscar winner. This brings joy to my heart. Christoph Waltz, Mo'Nique and Jeff Bridges also richly deserved their awards. Bravo to the Academy for at least that much. 

I wasn't sure about the hosting. I like Steve Martin and adore Alec Baldwin. Some bits were funny but in all, it felt really tacky, like, overly so. Almost cringe-inducing.

Then there was the "next generation" - Miley Cyrus, looking slutty in her bustier top dress, and Kristen Stewart who quite possibly gave the worst Oscar presenter's speech ever. She was completely devoid of poise which simply indicated to me what I already know - this girl can't act worth shit. She can't even present at the Academy Awards! Kristen is a totally overblown ingénue. When will the film industry clue in to this? 

Her colleague, Anna Kendrick, on the other hand, was the picture of grace and elegance, a star on the rise. She was also nominated for an Oscar. Anna wins. 

All in all, the Oscars were a disappointment this year since the big awards went to a movie I have come to loathe. But alas, I am outnumbered, by many, it seems. 

The war in Iraq was a monumental mistake to begin with, a low point in American history that will have repercussions for years and generations to come. 

The US government squandered the world's sympathy from 9/11 on fiction and now they're stuck in a mess of their own creation. Do movies about this colossal failure of democracy really need to be rewarded?

Shameless self-promotion and... shameless self-promotion

My dearest Sassies, please forgive me but I must briefly engage in some shameless self- promotion: I've just created a new blog, Oedipal Odyssey - seeking out the truly inappropriate, which will consist of generally offensive, yet humourous, material that doesn't quite fit into the subject matter of this blog. 

Oedipal Odyssey will consist of those things that, in polite society, we wouldn't dare laugh at, but do when no one's watching. For example, future posts will consist of death humour, inappropriate things to say to a new lover, letters that should not be sent to your sponsored child in Africa, etc... 

I've just put it together so there are only a couple of posts at the moment. If you're not easily offended, I encourage you to visit often, or become a follower. I'll be posting regularly. 

Fear not, Sassy Stylings will continue, as robustly as always. 

Now, on to today's subject matter..

Jakey-poo (The Horny Bachelor) is already in trouble. Me thinks Jake is not all he's cracked up to be. Perhaps Jillian (the Bachelorette who dumped his ass) was on to something when she deemed him to be "too perfect" as in too good to be true. 

Picking Vienna called into question what I thought Jake was about. The whole thing just smells funny, you know? He ain't lookin' for the long haul. He's lookin' to have some fun but fronting the whole "I'm looking for a relationship and want to settle down" angle. 

I'm not buyin' it, Jake. And now he's been caught communicating with his ex, after he proposed to Vienna? Uh-huh. It's sad because he had me believing in him, that he was a decent guy, sincere in his beliefs and wishes. A decent guy would have picked Tenley. I'm not bitter.

Speaking of reality TV douchebags, Kate Gosselin worked the red carpet at some event in New York last night. She's one of the contestants on the next round of Dancing With The Stars. I don't know why they call it Dancing With The Stars. Anyone who's on that show is like, on the Z list of celebrity. But I digress...

When I see things like this, I ask myself: who's looking after the kids? I doubt it's John since Kate is trying to limit his visitation, although I don't see why since she's never around. I really feel for the children. Having two loser, fame whoring parents isn't doing them any favours.

When it rains, it pours

These past two days have been an all-you-can-eat buffet of smuttiness. Today, The Huffington Post was oozing with trash. Good trash.

First up (this one is from the New York Post): Vanessa Paradis tells partner Johnny Depp to walk away from his current film project. Why, you ask? Because there's a hot, steamy sex scene with Angelina Jolie. Can you blame Vanessa? 

Angelina's history is pretty indicative of what dangers may lie ahead. She stole Billy Bob Thornton (why?) from Laura Dern (who deserved so much better anyway) and Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston - we're still hearing about that one.

However, I have a pretty high opinion of Johnny Depp, and don't think he would stoop so low as to take up with Angelina. If he is than Vanessa deserves better. But this would greatly surprise me. Johnny strikes me as having some integrity. He wouldn't. Would he? 

Then, I almost tossed my lunch when I came across these pictures of La Lohan skankin' it up for some magazine. Ewww..... this is all she has left. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Reeking of desperation. LOOK AT ME. LOVE ME. GIVE ME A JOB. I can't take it. It's cringe-inducing crusty-crotchness, à la Pamela Anderson. Someone get this girl off the air.

This next one is just icing on the cake; a big, fat, juicy cherry on a sunday. Well, maybe not so big or fat or juicy. Apparently, John Gosselin has a small weenie, and Playgirl wouldn't pay much for it. He would be considered more of a "novelty" than a sex symbol. Ouch. 

Two of his ex-girlfriends claim John is somewhat challenged in the penis department. Makes me wonder why Kate hasn't said anything about this yet. Is this why they needed to resort to fertility treatments? Just askin'. 

The gossip gods are smiling

It was a veritable buffet of silliness on People.com today. First, Tiger Woods gets a phone call from Bill Clinton who offered his support during this difficult time. The title practically speaks for itself. I barely feel the need to comment. I mean, you gotta love it. The irony. 

Bad Billy calls up Tiggy in his time of need. That is precious. And I'm sure they have a lot in common. Two handsome, charismatic, famous men embroiled in not so pretty sex scandals. They could be best buds. Why didn't I think of that?

Next: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake will reunite (not in the biblical sense) but onscreen in a comedy  titled Bad Teacher. You know Blank Biel is just shitting herself that her boy toy will be acting opposite his ex, who, let's face it, is way cooler, more talented and less desperate than Jessica. Loves it! 

Dancing With The Stars just revealed who their new contestants will be. Included on the list are Kate Gosselin (puke!) who I hope will not be showcasing her heinous hair extensions, and Jake Pavelka (The Horny Bachelor). Like Vienna's gonna sit by while he gyrates with some hot babe in skanky outfits. Not bloody likely! 

Oh Jake, you will soon feel the consequences of the choice you made, and it won't be pretty. We'll be waiting. Waiting to say "I told you so". Dumbass.

Stuff like this, it's like a gift from the gossip gods. It's so bad, it's good.

The Bachelor chooses lust over love

VIENNA!!!! Jake, you dumbass! If you haven't been following The Bachelor, and I cannot possibly fault you if you haven't, the season finale aired last night and Jake, the bachelor, chose Vienna, the skanky ho over Tenley, a perfect match.

He claimed something was missing in his relationship with Tenley, something on the physical level but he was never specific. Why? Because Jake is a gentleman and wouldn't have put it this way: I want to f*ck Vienna silly. She brings out the bad boy in me, and makes me want to do dirty, dirty things.

Jake himself claimed that he always dated women he was physically attracted to and then it fizzled out after a year or so. He felt an emotional connection with Tenley which was something new for him and probably scared him off. 

I like Jake, he seems like a stand-up guy but he's totally perpetuating his past behaviour and rest assured, whatever it is he has with Vienna won't last long. He was thinking with his penis, and not much else.

Perhaps he was trying to break his image of being "too perfect" by choosing the girl everyone loved to hate, by throwing caution to the wind. That's something you do if the end result is a one-night stand, not a life-long commitment.

Vienna may have her good qualities but she and Jake aren't compatible, not like he and Tenley are. Dumb, dumb, dumb Jake. 

Why do I watch these shows when they only end in disappointment. I feel like I invested so much in watching Jake's dating adventures unfold that the least he could do for his loyal fans is pick the right girl! Damn you reality TV! You burn me every time!

One of Jake's final four picks will now be the new Bachelorette - Ali, the one who left The Bachelor because she would lose her job if she stayed. Guess she doesn't care about the job so much anymore. The Bachelorette will start airing in May. 

And you know I'll be watching... 'cause I'm a sucker for punishment.

Katie Holmes sanctifying her womb for second pregnancy

According to Page Six of the New York Post, Katie Holmes has been undergoing thorough Scientology-specific preparation before trying for a second pregnancy. To which I say: Huh? 

Apparently, the Church of Scienf*ckery also encourages a "silent birth", as in no screaming in pain when you're trying to push a watermelon through a garden hose. Please.

What exactly does this pre-pregnancy "auditing" consist of? According to Scientology, the "health and the sanity of the child begin long before birth". Is it really healthy and sane for a child to be born to two celebrities? (In this case, one legitimate, one not.) 

What kind of "sane" life includes being constantly followed and photographed by the paparazzi, having a mother who's deluded herself into thinking she can act and design clothes, and frankly, whose only claim to fame lately has been that she happens to be Mrs. Tom Cruise?

Since hooking up with Tom, Katie has been acting as if she was ordered to give up her free will upon agreeing to date him. What kind of example does that set? 

Why does she continue to design her own clothes when every new creation she comes up with is nothing short of heinous, an affront to tasteful fashion? 

Why was she allowed to deliver a cringe-worthy song and dance number on prime time television? Is the Tom bubble so thick that no one around her dares tell her she should maybe consider a career change? 

A child should not be born into an environment steeped in denial and delusions of grandeur, or in this case, borrowing from Weird Al Yankovic "delusions of adequacy". Has the Church of Scientology thought about that?