Generic blonde to marry pro athlete - déjà vu much?

My dearest Sassies, 

Since the holiday season is upon us, and numerous family events await me, after today, my posts may be sparse until early January. But do not despair. I repeat: do not despair! I will return as feisty as ever in the new year offering my insightful commentary on all that is pop culture and disappointing about human nature. 

Speaking of disappointing, with a big fat hint of irony, People.com reported today that Carrie Underwood is engaged to NHL player Mike Fisher. Hmm. Pretty blond will marry pro athlete. We all know where this is headed. Why do women marry pro athletes? Do they want to suffer? Hey Carrie, don't sign a pre-nup. That way, when Mike cheats on you and you find out, you can leave him and take him for all he's worth. Just sayin'.

Also replete with irony, an interview Tiger Woods gave on Larry King Live on June 10, 1998. When asked if he wanted to get married, Tiger said no, and that someday he'd have to "surrender" and take the plunge. His voice was heavy with reticence. Prophetic? Oh yes. It was all there,  even 11 years ago. 

So my question to Tiggy is: why the hell did you get married if you didn't want to in the first place? Sow your wild oats, be a pro athlete, live it to the fullest. Then, when you're like 40 or 45 and you want to settle down, you'll be happy about it. It ain't rocket science. And if you don't want to get married, then don't. Look at George Clooney. How many men envy his life? 'Nuf said. 

On that my Sassies, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tata for now!

Another Hollywood Casualty

There's no way around this one - it's posted all over the gossip-scape. 32-year-old actress Brittany Murphy died of cardiac arrest. Another Hollywood casualty. It's really no mystery. Young girl comes to La-La-Land with big dreams of stardom, gets a breakout role in a popular movie, then decides she needs to be skinny and blond in order for her career to continue its ascension. 

What's truly sad is that Brittany's death is a symptom of the commodification of young women in Hollywood. They are not actresses but walking advertisements, displaying some impossible ideal of female beauty, getting us regular folk to buy shit we don't need by making us feel inadequate.

Never underestimate the Hollywood selling machine. Sure, only we can let other people make us feel less than perfect. But when you're a young, impressionable teenager, those messages are incredibly difficult to ignore, and even more challenging to shake off as an adult who's been programmed to believe in those ideals. 

There's no concrete info on exactly why Brittany suffered a cardiac arrest at such a young age but I'd hazard a few guesses: eating disorder, drugs, obsession about her position on the Hollywood food chain. Apparently, friends of hers are claiming Brittany had major body image issues. No shit Sherlock. 

Can you blame her? If I was living in L.A., trying to fight my way as an actress into the film industry, I'd probably be voluntarily tossing my breakfast, downing the Joe like I'd stumbled upon a desert oasis and popping pills that made me forget I had an appetite. 

The tragedy here is that women simply accept these standards, without question; standards that weren't by any means determined by them. The result is a sea of bland, homogeneous, skinny blondes with issues, forfeiting talent for that "perfect" look. 

Baldwin bestows blessing upon NYU

My first blogging milestone: this is my 50th post!Woohoo!

I do a lot of bitching in this blog so when something good happens on the celebrity front, I feel I must balance out the bitch with benevolence. I adore Alec Baldwin. But I adore him even more after this. Alec has donated $1 million dollars to establish a drama scholarship at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts. How cool is that? 

I've seen Alec in many movies but I really started to appreciate the full breadth of his talents when I watched him, on numerous occasions, host Saturday Night Live. I had no idea he was so comedically gifted. 

Then I saw him interviewed on Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton. Alec was one of the most entertaining guests that show has ever had. The way he was able to completely transform himself in a matter of seconds into any character, without inhibition, was astounding. Again, I was dumbfounded by how talented an actor this guy really is.

Then came 30 Rock, and that sealed the deal. Jack Donaghy is Alec Baldwin's crowning jewel. The delivery, the timing, the physicality, and his awesome chemistry with my girl crush, Tina Fey, make this one of my all-time favorite shows. 

All this makes me practically forget his earlier, more volatile days with Kim Basinger, and calling his daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig". Hey, nobody's perfect. I'm not excusing his behaviour but I sense he's been through the ringer, big time, post-divorce. Kim strikes me as unstable. This is never good. 

On another note, Alec will be co-hosting the 2010 Academy Awards with Steve Martin. I think I just wet myself thinking of the ridiculously high comedic quotient of this duo. Kudos to the Academy for this judicious choice. Please use them wisely and often. The show tends to get seriously dull right around the time the host wraps up his/her opening spiel.

Here's one of the best segments of Alec on Inside the Actor's Studio. Awesome. 

Lindsay Lohan - the new face of humanitarianism?

I love good writing. I stand in awe of it. I aspire to acquire. Here's a great blog entry from the Guardian regarding Lindsay Lohan's most recent foray into humanitarian ventures - a trip to India to film a documentary with the BBC3 on human trafficking. I know what you're all thinking. Huh? Lindsay Lohan and the BBC in the same sentence? Lindsay Lohan and humanitarian efforts in the same sentence? I know. 

Apparently, the BBC3  is the ghetto version of the BBC. At least that's the impression I'm getting from this blog post. So that could explain why they've chosen to pursue a venture with loopy Lohan. How else could this make sense? 

Best quote ever: "her (Lindsay's) Twitter feed - live from India - has the flavour of a lobotomised captain's log." Those Brits and their feisty wit - LOVE it. If you don't want to read the whole post, be sure to check out the four questions at the very end - they're gold.

Lindsay tries, and fails. Spectacularly. She is a girl steeped in delusions of grandeur which makes her all the more tragic, if in a very comical fashion. I mean, let's face it, no one takes Lindsay seriously. At least, not anymore. Is this really the person who should be using her celebrity, or should I say, notoriety, to draw attention to a legitimately serious problem such as human trafficking?

It's bad enough the French fashion house Ungaro hired Lindsay as a style consultant. But this? No. Fashion disasters can be fixed or laughed at. Human trafficking, however, deserves better than Lindsay.

Goodbye Dexter, Hello Lost

My dear Sassies, I had a near orgasmic evening of TV viewing last night. It all started when my boyfriend and I went  shopping at Costco last week. Of course, everything at Costco is dirt cheap, including DVDs. Try to walk away. You can't. And I couldn't. Season 5 of Lost was beckoning, calling my name. So I bought it. And now we're watching it. Damn, that is good TV. There's also a short refresher in case you forgot what happened in earlier seasons, and thank God for that. Holy complicated Batman! Season 5 does not disappoint. It's a mind bender for sure but we're starting to get answers to some big questions. LOVE it. 

If you haven't watched Lost, start from the beginning. Otherwise, you'll hate it because you'll have no freakin' idea who's who and what's going on. It's worth it. Just don't ever watch it when you're tired or distracted. You must pay attention. Every episode reveals something.

Then there was the Dexter Season 4 finale last night. Sweet Mother of God. Holy f*cking cliffhanger. It was a totally unpredictable turn of events. I had a feeling throughout the episode that loose ends were being tied with great ease, perhaps too much ease. Until the ending. I won't reveal it here so as not to spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it yet. But DAMN, I did not see that coming. 

And now we have to wait. Wait for Season 5. And who knows how long that will be. This brings sadness to my heart. Dexter is over for now. True Blood isn't back until June, Curb your Enthusiasm's latest season wrapped a few weeks ago and Glee won't return until April. And in about a week or so, we'll have finished watching Season 5 of Lost. It's like looking into a deep, dark abyss. What happens when there's nothing on TV? I shudder at the thought.

My boyfriend and I also noticed a new TV term popping up this season - the "fall finale". WTF? It's not bad enough that a top show  like Glee won't be returning until f*cking April, now you have a finale before the finale? No, I don't like this. As my boyfriend said, it distresses him. I share this sentiment. A fall finale seems to give TV networks the permission to not air a show for months, right in the middle of a prime viewing period. This makes no sense to me. Damn networks. You have us by the balls. I hate you.

Looming TV Wasteland and Michelle Obama's Arms

No more Glee until April. That's just not right. Especially after having left us with multiple cliffhangers. Dexter and Californication are also nearing the end of their latest seasons. I'm beginning to feel a slight panic at what may be a desertification of the TV landscape, if only temporarily. 

I'll have to watch re-runs of Six Feet Under to console myself. And the fifth season of Lost. Of course, I may have to watch the first four all over again to remember what the hell happened. So good but so complicated... I also managed, in the last few weeks, to watch the entire first season of The United States of Tara. SO good. Toni Collette is sublime - LOVE her. Now I must wait for the second season - don't know when it's coming out. Boo.

Following Glee, my boyfriend and I watched Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 Special. Underwhelming, to say the least. This type of show should be two hours long instead of one. The interviews consisted of what felt like 30-second sound bites, and just as they were getting interesting, it was over and Barbara moved on to the next guest. Lame.

To add insult to injury, during her short interview with Michelle Obama, who was at the top of the list, Barbara wasted precious time asking her about her arms. Her ARMS for Christ's sake. You're talking to one of the most intelligent, fascinating first ladies in recent history, and you ask her about her freakin' workout regime? Is this how superficial we've become? Damn. 

Pumpkin Picking Pulchritudinous Over Perspicacious

It's the Twilight Zone of celeb gossip. Apparently, Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan, of Smashing Pumpkins fame, are now an item, as in a couple. Huh? This makes no sense to me. My brain cannot compute. Ditzy, dumbass, talent-lacking blond dating hard-core, probably intelligent, alt-rocker. No, this cannot be. Only in some strange, parallel universe would this even be possible.

Perhaps Billy is conducting some kind of social experiment, an anthropological study on the effects of dating fame whoring idiots. Maybe he needs new material from which to write angry songs. I refuse to believe that these two have anything remotely in common. And poor Jessica will have her heart broken, once again. First Nick, then John, then Tony, then Daisy. Oh Jessica, this will only lead to disaster. Date someone who is at least as vacuous as you are. Then you might actually have a chance at real happiness.

How on earth will Billy introduce Jessica to his alt-rock buds with a straight face? I mean, come on. This liaison has about as much chance of working out as Lindsay Lohan has of making a comeback. Billy, please don't give yourself over to the dark side, unless it's an undercover gig with a greater purpose. You're still a respected artist. Do you really want to be the next schmuck who is dating Jessica Simpson?

This is what you two would look like, if you were pumpkins. Guess which one is Jessica.

Tiger-mania broadens as list of mistresses grows

I can't stop thinking about it. It's been on the front page of the newspaper for days. I can't get away from it. And it's only growing bigger and badder. I want to blog about other stuff but this is in the forefront of my psyche and won't go away. Oprah once called him her SON for Christ's sake. I understand if you're getting bored with my Tiggy-mania and wish I would talk about something else. I will, eventually. But not today.

This morning's headlines indicated that Tiggy's brood of alleged mistresses has grown to ten women, one of them a porn star, and another who has publicly stated that Tiggy is very well endowed. His wife has apparently moved out of their home in Florida. His mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital with "stomach pains", i.e., the stress is getting to her.

A few days ago, this was a bit of a PR mess. This is now an all-out PR debacle - "What we have here is a failure to communicate." Tiggy, get your ass out of the woods (no pun intended). Face the music or this will not go away, at least not any time soon. There will be continuing speculation and public confessions from your alleged bevy of lady friends. 

This is getting ugly - very, very ugly. Where is your slick PR machine when you need it the most? Time to do some damage control or continue to watch your life spin out of control. And dammit, I'm tired of waking up every morning to a "new development" in the Tiger Woods scandal. You're starting to take up way too much space on the celeb gossip circuit. Don't become the next Jon and Kate Gosselin. You're better than that.

Tiggy's Mistress Loony Over Lascivious Behaviour

People at People, you make my life. Alleged Tiger Mistress Angry About His Other Women. Wow. You're sleeping with a married guy and you're pissed off that he was cheating with not only you but a few others as well? I know what you're all thinking my Sassies. How much of a dumbass can you be? 

Best quote ever: "She (Rachel Uchitel) started out for sport and then they clicked." Referring to her and Tiger Woods, of course. She started out for sport? SPORT? Well, I guess birds of a feather flock together. You know, she's an athlete, and her sport is men. Tiggy's an athlete, and his sport is golf. So they probably had a lot in common. 

I was reading up on Tiggy's situation over the weekend. It's not pretty. Tiggy's a bit of a slut. You know, all that pressure of being the richest athlete EVER. He needed to blow off some steam, get naked with some chicks, and frolick about. I mean, what is so wrong with that? 

I'll tell you what's wrong with that - if you're gonna f*ck around, why even bother getting married? Stay single. F*ck around all you want. Don't lie. Don't deceive. That's for cowards. Be a f*cking man. This mistress bullshit, Tiggy, it's beneath you.

I guess one interesting question comes out of this, and it's a great line I heard in the movie Funny People over the weekend, which lends itself perfectly to this situation: "It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to f*ck you." Good point. But what does it say about us when temptation comes knocking, and we instantly give in?

Pretty won't save you from cheatin' hearts

In my teens, I struggled with body image issues. I thought my nose was too big, my boobs weren't perky enough, and that I should be much skinnier, like the models in magazines. I thought being physically flawless = being loved. As I have often learned, this is not so. I've been reminded of this once more in the midst of this Tiger Woods debacle. His wife is stunning - a gorgeous Swedish former bikini model. And yet, he still strayed. 

I thought Jennifer Aniston was pretty close to physically perfect. Then Brad strayed too. 

Time and again it dawns on me - looks aren't everything. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know we are an incredibly vain society, and looks are a big chunk of the equation. But, evidently, they don't guarantee love or fidelity. Of course, these beautiful women may be totally crazy behind closed doors (I suspect Angelina has a touch of the crazy) which makes them intolerable to live with. Who knows. 

I'm reminded of a French film I once saw. I forget the title but it starred Gérard Dépardieu. He was married to a bombshell who was totally frigid, and having an affair with his very average looking secretary who happened to be an incredible lover because she was warm and uninhibited. The lesson here? Pretty wears off. Personality doesn't.

Apparently, Tiggy and his Swedish babe are holed up in their Orlando mansion undergoing intense couples' counseling. I guess being rich and pretty doesn't insulate you from the crappy stuff in life. If Jennifer Aniston can become "the lonely girl", anything is possible. 

It's kind of freeing really. We could learn a lesson from this and ease up on our vanity. I've found that people who simply embrace who they are, no matter what, are much more interesting, and naturally put everyone else at ease. Those who are incredibly beautiful usually tend to be incredibly vain, and are constantly worrying about how they look. Yawn. Can you imagine hanging out with someone like that? Think Mena Suvari in American Beauty.

Being perfect is a pain. Being imperfect is limitless.

Celebrity Dirt of Orgiastic Proportions

There is a veritable smorgasborg of celeb dirt out there today. Tiger's cheating, Mrs. Keaton's gay, and a new exposé on Brangelina is set to hit bookshelves by Christmas. Damn.

Let's start with the demise of Tiger Woods. Oh Tiggy. Why? Why did you have to go whoring about? I held you in such high esteem. You're a superb athlete and strike me as an all-around classy guy. I know nobody's perfect but still... It hurts Tiggy, it really does. And so soon after the Letterman scandal. You may as well come clean. Forget the thinly veiled confessions of adultery. Be direct. Fess up. Learn from Letterman. No one is talking about his indiscretions anymore. Why? Because there's no dirt left to uncover. Letterman made sure of that. Letterman is f*cking smart. Get his number. 

Meredith Baxter of 80's Family Ties fame is gay. She has officially come out of the closet. Well, slap my ass and call me Judy. I grew up watching Family Ties, and loved it. I guess that would explain her three failed marriages to men. Oh, Mrs. Keaton, I will always hold you dear to my TV-loving heart. Good on you for having found your authentic self. 

An exposé on Brangelina, of highly questionable credibility, will be out in time for Christmas. Apparently, Angelina is a total control freak, Brad is weak, and a break-up is imminent. Hmm... not sure if I buy it. These two strike me as incredibly smart and not averse to f*cking with the press. Sure, Ange strikes me as  less stable than Jennifer Aniston. But I sense Jennifer is incredibly vain, and that can be really annoying. And I'm guessing sex is better with crazy than with vain. Jen would always be worrying about her hair or something.

On a more tragic note, a former Miss Argentina died from complications after cosmetic buttocks surgery. She was 38 years old and a mother of twins. Sweet Jesus. This quote, from the Huffington Post article, really captures it all: "A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind." Jennifer, pay attention. Extreme vanity can cause bodily harm resulting in death. Take heed.

Rihanna talks out of her ass and Barbara Walters disappoints

My dear Sassies, it is December 1st. The day I allow myself to whip out my collection of Christmas music and play it incessantly at my desk until the big 2-5. Yes, I am one of those people. I also have a collection of films I watch every year before Christmas: Love Actually, The Holiday, Sleepless in Seattle. Don't ask. Even I can't explain it. I think my family is still waiting for an explanation of the pink, fluffy star I bought for the top of the Christmas tree last year. This year, I'll be adding glitter glue to the star. It will be a Merry Christmas indeed. But I digress. Onto other, more pressing matters.

Oh people at People, how would I entertain myself without you? Today, I came across an article titled: Rihanna calls leak of naked pictures 'humiliating'. She claims the photos in question were taken for her boyfriend at the time, and followed that up with this gem: "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." Oh sweetie. Have you learned nothing? If you even have the remotest chance of becoming famous at some point, you don't EVER send naked pictures to ANYONE for ANY REASON. Of course they will end up on the Internet for public consumption. 

You must understand that as soon as you become famous, we will want to tear you down from that pedestal so we can feel better about ourselves or steal it from you. I know, it sounds so cruel. But facts are facts. Human nature is warped - it's a war of egos out there. Never forget that and you won't be "humiliated" again.

Speaking of humiliated, Barbara Walters should be for including Kate Gosselin in her "most fascinating people of 2009" list. Are you f*cking kidding me? Oh Barbara. I thought you, of all people, would have standards, and not pander to the lowest common denominator. Yes, Kate and her ex-hubby Jon have been on the covers of countless celeb mags over the past year but so have Brad and Angelina, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Could you not have chosen an actual celebrity instead of some fame whoring, control freak, suburban mom who sold out her family to a TV network? 

I've seen Kate Gosselin in interviews. She has nothing remotely "fascinating" to say. If anything, you start to feel sympathy for her equally fame whoring, yet less controlling, husband and her children. Watching paint peel is more interesting than listening to Kate. And what is with her hair? It's so distracting with its yuppie awfulness, I can't stand it.

Thank God Christmas is coming. It's my happy place, where the Kate Gosselins of the world can't get to me.

Fatal Attraction Wannabe

A couple nights ago, my boyfriend and I decided to watch Obsessed, starring none other than Beyoncé, because there was nothing else on TV, and we were hopeful. Hopeful it wouldn't suck. Why do we even have expectations? They only lead to disappointment. This was a half-assed attempt as some Fatal Attraction-esque  story, only much, much worse. It was painful, and yet I couldn't stop watching, I couldn't give up. I had unwavering faith that at some point, it had to get better. It didn't. And if you've seen the original Fatal Attraction, it will hurt even more.

I don't know why others try. Adrian Lynne nailed it. In 1987. It doesn't get any better than a psychotic Glenn Close, and Michael Douglas shitting himself over his indiscretion with a total whack job. It truly is a thing of beauty. So why do others even attempt a run at it? It's been done. To perfection.  

It pains me to say this because I think Beyoncé is an incredibly talented performer. But.... she should not act. She cannot act. Kinda like Madonna. Kick-ass performer, terrible actress. Oh Beyoncé, you tried, you really did but acting isn't for you. Please don't do it again. Stick to what you do best because you're so good at it. You shine. 

The would-be home wrecker in Obsessed doesn't even get it on with Beyoncé's on-screen husband. She tries, repeatedly, and fails. So you really can't buy into her crazy. There's no sympathy for her. She's just a nut job for no reason. Not that I'm justifying Glenn Close's crazy but at least the viewer could sympathize with her, however briefly, since the character she portrayed actually had steamy, consensual encounters with the philandering husband. And she can act. 

Filmmakers seem to have forgotten that actors really do need to know how to act. These days, if you're a celebrity, for whatever reason, they'll put you in front of a camera. Nuh-uh. Doesn't work. Fame won't save a crappy ass movie. And it didn't save Obsessed. The only redeeming part of this film was the chick-on-chick smack down at the end. Beyoncé pissed off and kicking some bony white bitch's ass - now that was entertaining.

Lindsay Lohan = artistic armageddon

What is with celebs deluding themselves into thinking they are fashion designers? Why do so many of them want to throw themselves into the fashion industry with no appropriate education, experience or talent? It's not like they shop for their own clothes - they have stylists for that. So really, just because a celebrity looks good, doesn't mean they have good taste. Their staff has good taste. So why do they think they can design clothes? 

Case in point: Lindsay Lohan will remain "artistic advisor" at Ungaro. Are you f*cking kidding me? How did she get to be "artistic" anything to anyone in the fashion biz? According to People.com, her first collection was "a disaster". Duh. Did you expect anything more? That's what you deserve for hiring a fame whoring coke head as your "artistic advisor".  The fashion label's President and Chief Executive simply called the criticism "harsh", adding that it's selling well. Of course, he didn't comment on the founder's views of Ungaro's "new direction" which evidently differ from his own. 

Who did Lindsay blow to get this gig anyway? I mean, really. Does Ungaro have a death wish? Fashion fatality... Loss by Lohan...  Whatever Lindsay is churning out onto the runways is not fashion. It's her foggy, coke-induced perception of what she thinks is stylish. She is by no means a fashion icon, and her style choices are underwhelming, to say the least. Stick to what you know Lindsay: drugs and delusions of grandeur.

Musings on books becoming movies

Over the weekend, I saw two movies which were adapted from books: The Twilight Saga: New Moon and My Sister's Keeper. My conclusions: 1) the Twilight saga does not translate well on the big screen, and 2) the screenwriters royally screwed up trying to adapt My Sister's Keeper, i.e. changing the ending!!! WTF!!!

Up first: The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Once again, this movie confirms that Kristen Stewart cannot act worth shit. She was the worst part of this movie. She played the exact same character in Adventureland. I mean, the EXACT SAME CHARACTER. Same lame ass mannerisms and all. It's gag worthy. I don't understand all the hoopla around this girl. She sucks. 

Anna Kendrick, on the other hand, was in the movie for all of 30 seconds, and I remember her. She is seared into my brain. Anna is a scene-stealer, and she's so good at it. I still remember her from the first Twilight movie. She was one of, if not the, best part of the movie. Can't wait to see her in Up in the Air opposite George Clooney. Early reviews say she's AMAZING. Translation: Oscar-worthy.

On another note, Robert Pattinson is so last year. Taylor Lautner, shirtless - YES.  This works. Although, I have to hand it to both boys, their acting didn't suck as much as Kristen's. She was the weak link in this film. Which is too bad seeing as she plays the title character. Even Rachelle Lefebvre, who didn't speak a word, was more memorable than Kristen. And sadly, Rachelle will not be returning to play Victoria, an evil vampire out to get Bella, due to "scheduling conflicts" or so says Summit Entertainment. Whatever. I don't buy it and I'm still bitter about it.

Next up: My Sister's Keeper. I read the book. The book was good. The movie, on the other hand, was crappy, schleppy, Hollywood sentimentality with a wimpy-ass ending. Why does Hollywood always go with the unimaginative, obvious ending? And  why didn't the book's author protest?  This change did not make her original story better, it made it far worse. The original ending was not predictable and was painfully bittersweet. Yes, someone dies. But it's not who you think, hence the beauty of it.

The bright spot in this movie is Sofia Vassilieva, who plays the cancer-stricken Kate. She is believable and, at times, heartbreaking. Joan Cusack also aptly portrays the judge presiding over Anna's case. Love her.

My boyfriend thought Cameron Diaz was terribly miscast in this film. I tend to agree. As he said, she's too recognizable. You can't forget she's Cameron Diaz. It works in Charlie's Angels but not in this movie. I don't buy Cameron as a mother of three desperately trying to keep her terminally ill daughter alive. Also, the lawyer's story (Alec Baldwin's character) was barely touched. This movie needed more Alec. All in all, a terrible disappointment. 

Some books shouldn't become movies. Twilight is not Harry Potter. 

Jeremy Leven and Nick Cassavetes, who adapted My Sister's Keeper for the big screen, shouldn't be allowed to work in Hollywood for at least a year, maybe two. That's how long it will take me to recover from their mess of a movie.

Kate Moss' Misstep

It seems eating disorder experts are peeved at Kate Moss for citing as one of her mottos: “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, a quote that appears on websites encouraging girls to starve themselves. Click here for the full story. 

I'm sorry but skinny's got nothin' on food. Do you know a hungry model who's ever in a good mood? Or sober? They need the drugs and alcohol to either suppress their appetite or make them forget they have one.

Kate's PR machine is saying the quote was taken out of context. You'd think they could come up with something a little more imaginative. That is so cliché. We all know the soft underbelly of the modeling world is riddled with eating disorder and addiction roadkill. But the industry will never admit to that. 

This is old news, but deserves to be mentioned - there is a modicum of hope as some governments have imposed regulations regarding Body Mass Index (BMI) minimums. Thank you Spain for taking charge and displaying some kind of sanity. 

I could go on some feminist rant about the fashion industry and its impossible standards, about how scores of young girls and even grown women die each year trying to achieve some heavily Photoshopped "ideal". But it's already been said. Besides, being a fashion model can't be any fun. Having to  constantly obsess about your looks and body weight? Please. I'd rather scarf down a big, fat, greasy burger and a cold beer. Now that is pure joy.

Levi's GQ bungle and Posh's clever wordplay

It's not everyday you find gems like these, when the faux celebrity is treated as such. Poor, poor Levi. Ignored at a celebrity-infested party. Flying first class and calling himself "Ricky Hollywood"? An entourage consisting of Tank, his manager, and some other beefcake wearing an earpiece? WTF? Is this guy for real? I guess this is part of Levi's grand plan to pursue modeling/acting to support his young child. People like this, I just want to slap them. It awakens the crazy in me, stupid does.

The other disturbing element in this article is that, in the last paragraph,  Lindsay Lohan is included in a list of legitimate celebs. Please. She barely qualifies.

It must be my lucky day because not only did I find one gem but two. Victoria Beckham claiming she prefers sex over sleep? My ass. Look at the wording carefully. She states: "I'm getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there'd be something wrong if I said, 'sleep,'". Translation: " I actually prefer sleep but because I'm so incredibly vain and really care about what people think of me, I'm going to go with the safe answer." 

She even felt the need to justify her skin colour. The best line: "I don't self-tan anymore." So which is it? Your skin colour is naturally dark or you spend a lot of time artificially darkening it? Whether it's self-tanner or the L.A. sun is irrelevant. Although, I can't picture Posh spending hours in the sun tanning since everyone knows that contributes to premature aging. Rest assured, Posh is aware of this and it's the last thing she wants. So if her skin is naturally dark, then why not just say so? Because it's probably not the case and Posh can't own up to the fact that she still fake tans.

Conclusion: you can't really believe anything Posh says. She's trying to appear "normal" for the masses, and in doing so, comes off as an overly-obsessive weirdo. She doesn't eat hamburgers either. Looking at her stick figure, I believe her. But you know she wants to, real bad. And she'll never admit to that either.

Johnny Depp, Twilophiles and Katie's Sense of Style

Everyone's talking about it. Johnny Depp is People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, and joins Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only ones to have been bestowed the honor twice. Apparently, Twilight fans are beside themselves that Robert Pattinson lost out to Johnny. Time to get real Twilophiles. Taylor Lautner is already overtaking Robert as the Twilight Saga Sex Symbol. Lainey's right. Let's see if Robbie can open a hit non Twilight-related movie. He's untested waters, and grungy in a "Did you take a shower this week?" kinda way. Not good.

Johnny, he just gets better with age. We know he has "it", that "je ne sais quoi". Johnny is a movie star, an actual celebrity, who has earned his way into our collective consciousness. People at People, sometimes you surprise me. Today, I didn't want to gag when perusing your website.

I read all four Twilight books, and plan to see all the movies, if only as a kind of reward for having survived reading Stephenie Meyer's drivel. I don't really expect much from the movie versions since, let's face it, they didn't have much to work with in the first place, but I can tolerate watching Taylor Lautner parade around shirtless. These are the kinds of sacrifices I'm willing to make to try and understand the Twilophiles and the crazy that motivates them, an anthropological study of sorts.

On another note, I couldn't resist sharing this with you. Make sure you scroll down to the photos and check out the white pantsuit disaster. Holy f*ck, it's bad. It's so, so bad. Katie Holmes MUST STOP designing clothes. Doesn't anyone in her close-knit circle of Scientology chaperones have the heart to tell her she blows at fashion design? Sweet Mother of God, you'd think Tom Cruise's vanity would kick in and prevent Katie from displaying such a lack of taste. I'm embarrassed for her. Also relishing in it, of course, because Katie is a faux celebrity, so shame on her for riding on Tom's coattails, and pretending to be a fashion designer. She  also pretended to be a dancer on SYTYCD. Remember that? I try not to. It still hurts.

The crack-cocaine of TV shows, i.e., highly addictive shit

"Workin' on my night cheese" sung to the tune of Bob Seger's "Night Moves" by none other than Liz Lemon, Tina Fey's alter ego on 30 Rock. There she was, in her Slanket, workin' on her night cheese (literally eating her way through a block of cheese). I laughed out loud. My boyfriend had missed that part, so we watched it again. It was even funnier the second time around. Tina Fey, you rock my world. 

Also of note, a new episode of Dexter on Sunday night and Californication last night. John Lithgow plays the villain in Dexter's fourth season. Who else could be more perfect than Lithgow? Maybe Christopher Walken. But I digress. As soon as I found out John Lithgow was the new baddy, I knew. It would be f*cking creepy. Not unlike the first three seasons. 

And I must say, I am continually impressed with David Duchovny in Californication. Sure, it's soft porn but the writing is to die for, and the delivery is bang on. (No pun intended.) Who knew Fox Mulder had it in him? Of course, David did end up developing a real-life sex addiction. Oh, the irony. At least the writing saves Californication from being mere gratuitous smut.   

That I have an alternative to "regular" TV makes my life. Six Feet Under is now available on the Movie Network On Demand. Loved that show the first time around. Am watching it all over again. Was reminded of when I first saw Michael C. Hall as the stuck-up, gay funeral director. Now I know him as the somewhat ethical serial killer. 

I also recently started watching the Unites States of Tara, starring Toni Collette. Love her. She totally shines in this. Interesting premise: a family living with a wife/mother who has dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder). So she's mom and wife one minute, and one of three other, completely different people the next. 

Created by Diablo Cody who penned Juno. I'm so jealous. That bitch can't even be thirty yet. And look at her. F*cking brilliant. Want to be like her. Am working on a fourth draft of my latest play. Someday...

Singer/actress or talentless fame whore?

As if it wasn't bad enough that they resurrected Melrose Place, the TV powers-that-be actually hired Ashlee Simpson-Wentz for a 12-episode stint. She has consequently been fired for lack of talent. In Touch calls it "the beginning of the end of her career." What career, pray tell, would you be referring to? Who is this Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, and why should I care? Oh, you mean the one who's only claim to fame is that Jessica Simpson is her sister? And the one who's lip-syncing disaster on SNL exposed her for the talentless fraud that she is? And the one who named her kid Mowgli?

Who is this useless twat, and why is she taking up space in ANY celeb mag? That she would actually want to associate herself with the Jessica Simpson legacy is an indication of this girl's intelligence. She's done absolutely nothing that's been even remotely close to noteworthy. She's a terrible actress. Her latest album Bittersweet World apparently sucked ass.

You'd think there would be some effort required to become famous, some talent or extraordinary skill needed. Evidently, this is not the case. It seems there are more and more of these faux celebrities, and less and less real ones filling the pages of gossip rags and websites. There should be some kind of minimum requirement to make it into the collective consciousness. That way, we could mitigate the amount of useless garbage filling up our psyches. Sure, we could still talk trash about those "famous" people, but at least they would have earned their spot in our musings.

I think Tom Cruise is a little deranged. Ok, maybe a lot. However, I cannot deny that Tom is a movie star, and can therefore tolerate his presence in my immediate media surroundings.  I also LOVED his performances in Jerry Maguire and Tropic Thunder. Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, on the other hand, needs to be flushed out with all the other fame whore turds clogging up our limited attention spans.

Two fame whores do not make a right

People.com didn't make me want to gag today, but it was a close call. Case in point: an article titled Levi Johnston calls Jon Gosselin a 'Good Guy'. Now there's a solid character reference. In case you're wondering who these people are and why we should care: Levi Johnston is Bristol Palin's baby daddy (Bristol Palin = Sarah Palin's daughter) and Jon Gosselin is the father of eight children from Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame. The two met in New York, I'm guessing under dubious circumstances. Apparently, Jon offered Levi some parenting advice. Ahem.

Johnston was quoted while attending the "sex-oriented Fleshbot Awards in New York City". Sometimes they just make it too easy... Oh people at People, you're so good at glossing over the obvious, at feigning complete ignorance of the harsh facts. 

Fact #1: Levi Johnston will be posing nude in Playgirl, and cites this as a source of income to support his child. He also doesn't plan on going to college. Instead, he will pursue modeling and acting. (Insert snide remark of your choice here.)

Fact #2: Jon Gosselin wasted no time hooking up with a 22-year-old, and hosting Vegas pool parties once his marriage was over. 

Fact #3: Both these men are shameless fame whores, prostitutes, if you will. Levi will be gladly displaying his family jewels for all to see, and Jon basically sold his family to TLC. 

Fact #4: These are not people who should be dishing out parenting advice. 

Fact #5: These are not people who should be taking up space on celebrity gossip websites. 

They are not celebrities. They are fame whores. There is a difference.

Hey Lindsay, shape up or ship out!

According to NYDailyNews.com: "The fight to save Lindsay Lohan continues." There's a fight to save Lindsay Lohan? Why? Apparently, she was having a secret affair with Heath Ledger when he died, and this precipitated her downward spiral. Heath slumming with the likes of coked up, has been Lohan? Not bloody likely.

No offense but if Lindsay wants to self destruct, let her. I know, I know. How could I be so cold and callous? So devoid of feeling? Well, I'll tell you why. Because I'm sick of hearing about this dysfunctional, drug addicted, useless twat. That's why. I have no sympathy left for this girl. She's sucked it dry. And she wonders why her career is in the toilet? 

Hey Lindsay, time to get off the victim train. You have a drug problem? Go to rehab. You have issues with your parents? Go to therapy. You are not the only kid in the world with a dysfunctional family. Look around. How many "functional" families do you know? And yet, we're not all flailing about, spewing our "Woe is me" story to anyone who will listen. 

You're old news Lindsay. If you want to make a comeback, and be taken seriously, you need to grab the bull by the horns and take responsibility for your life. Stop blaming your parents. You're not five. You're an adult, and you can make your own decisions. If your parents want to air their dirty laundry in the public eye, let them. It's their shit, not yours. Don't get involved. They're the ones who'll look like assholes, not you. 

Reclaim your power - stop giving it away to others thinking they will be able to "save" you. Only you can save you. I'm an optimist Lindsay. I believe in second chances. I believe in you. Get your shit together. Lay low for a while. Maybe take an acting class or two. Reinvent yourself. Do it now, because that window of opportunity is closing fast. And whatever you did to your face - i.e., those fake, swollen lips - don't do it again, unless you want to become a porn star. 

Today's true confessions: brand slutting

We were at a L'Oréal warehouse sale in Montreal this past weekend when it hit me... again.  (It's hit me before when a confluence of specific shopping conditions occurred.) I'm a brand name slut. I didn't buy anything at this warehouse sale. That in itself is practically a sin. I wear makeup maybe twice a year so it wasn't entirely unreasonable to not buy any at this sale. Except lip gloss. I wear lip gloss almost every day. I briefly scanned the heavily discounted lip-primping products but then promptly turned my attention elsewhere. Even if I did want lip gloss, it would have to be M·A·C lip gloss. That's all I wear.

Then there were the shampoos and conditioners being sold by the box load. My boyfriend asked me if we should take advantage of the bargain basement pricing. My response? They don't have "our kind" here. "Our kind" smells like coconut, like a beach holiday in a bottle. I don't know if any of these smell like that. No, we will have to pay full price and stick to "our kind".

I am a marketer's dream. My yoga gear is now exclusively Lululemon. If I'm shopping at Winners, I'll scour the aisles for clothing and accessories with a brand name logo that's clearly visible, 'cause I can get them for half the price. I go really ape shit if I find brand name clothing at Value Village or some other thrift store. Then I can get the stuff for 5-6 bucks. It's almost as good as a brick of brie cheese to a former dairy addict who was forced to change her ways due to allergies. But I digress.

Back in the day, I used to think I was all anti-establishment. I even submitted an article to Adbusters on the very subject of branding and how TV sells us the image of a brand, and then we want it. Who ever heard of Manolo Blahnik shoes until Sex and the City came along? You know it's true. I still want a pair of Manolo Mary Janes. And if I ever find them, I will buy them. Even if the cost equates with one month's mortgage payment. I just HAD to have a photo taken of me in front of the Madison Ave. Jimmy Choo store in NYC, and a few years later, with an actual Jimmy Choo shoe in Las Vegas. I am a shameless brand slut.

Of course, every brand whore has a deep, dark retail secret. I bought a pair of generic track pants for 10 bucks at Wal-Mart, and I LOVE THEM. This concludes today's True Confessions. Now go forth, and shop. 

Spiritual Accessories and Stephen Colbert

So I'm watching TV the other night. And I see this commercial, one of those "Call now to receive (fill in the blank)". This one was for some kind of crystal crucifix on a silver chain, and if you looked into the centre of the crucifix, the Lord's Prayer would appear. Obviously Christian. But the best part of this commercial was when they described the jewellery as a great "spiritual accessory". WTF?

I didn't realize my spirituality needed to be accessorized. I was unaware my spirituality was an outfit requiring bling. This commercial was disturbing to say the least, and as such, highly entertaining. When we heard the term "spiritual accessory", my boyfriend and I looked at each other in disbelief, as if to say: "Did they just say what I think they just said?" We're both bitter ex-Catholics so we got a good chuckle out of it. The tragedy is that someone, somewhere, is actually going to buy this product, and wear it to showcase their beliefs. 

Those crazy Christians. I guess since most of their actions don't demonstrate their beliefs, they need to wear stuff that does. 

And now for something completely different...* 

I came across this article in the New York Post online edition today that illustrates the brilliance of Stephen Colbert. Who else would dare put the kybosh on a Springsteen interview? LOVE IT.

* Thank you Monty Python

Kidman is Kinky

Yowza... Nicole Kidman has a wild side? In an interview with British GQ, Kidman confesses to exploring "strange sexual fetish stuff" among other things. Of course, those other things don't sound nearly as interesting and incendiary as "strange sexual fetish stuff" which is why that particular quote is included in the title of the Huffington Post article that caught my eye. Those media people, they're shifty, and I'm so predictable. They know this and they exploit. Bastards.

I like Nicole. I think she's a talented actress but she always looks like she has a broomstick up her ass. I never thought of her as the type who would wander into the land of "strange sexual fetish stuff". Although, being married to a closeted homosexual for like, a decade, might make you do strange things. So I guess it's not that surprising.

Interestingly, she refuses to discuss her marriage to Tom Cruise, citing "I want to honour that marriage for what it was [...]". Let me fill in the blank: a business deal assuring Tom a bulletproof heterosexual cover. I'm guessing she won't talk about it because she can't, as in the Church of Scientology has forbidden her to say a word about how she and Tom broke up because she didn't want any part of the Cult of Crazy. Have no doubt, she cut some kind of deal with them. They leave her alone, she doesn't out her ex-husband or the inner workings of his "religion". I can't reproach her for that. Just cut your losses and move on.

And move on she did, to become an Oscar-winning movie star. Bravo, Nicole, bravo. Besides, we have Paul Haggis to out the Scientologists. So all is right with the world. And Tom has Katie Stepford Holmes who won't cause any trouble. Isn't it ironic that Nicole Kidman starred in a 2004 remake of the Stepford Wives? A fate she luckily avoided.

Kate Gosselin's attempted pity party

There wasn't much on TV last night, so I ended up watching an interview with Kate Gosselin on TLC. It was titled Kate: Her Story. Yes, it was gag inducing, asinine drivel. Why this John and Kate Gosselin have been cover material on celeb rags for months now is a mystery to me. Who the f*ck are these people, and why are they of such interest?

The best part of the whole thing was the interviewer who pulled no punches. She basically called Kate out for pimping her kids for cash. According to Kate, she had no choice. How would they have provided for the kids with her nursing and John working in IT? She claims it would have been over sooner between her and John without the show because of the stress of providing for such a large brood.

Well, here's a thought: why the f*ck would you have eight kids, not to mention having six of them all at once, if you couldn't support them? When the fertility clinic told you that six  embryos had "taken", you could have said: Hey, I'll keep one, maybe two. You already had twins! Were they not enough? Does this sound callous? Talking about human life like it's a commodity - well you two should know, that's what your family is now, a product for mass consumption. Happy? 

My grandmother had ten kids but not ALL AT ONCE. By today's standards, my grandparents were poor, but somehow managed to raise all ten kids in the absence of an audience.

The interviewer nailed it when she asked Kate how she felt about all the stories being published about her and John and, all teary-eyed, Kate claimed they were "hurtful". The interviewer's response? "Well, you're the one who put your family on TV, so basically it's no one's fault but your own." I'm paraphrasing here but you get the drift. I love it when an interview, such as this one, is free of ass-kissing. 'Cause we all know what the real deal is. Kate even blatantly admitted that the show is now their main source of income. Of course it is. 

This whole Gosselin family debacle is yet another argument against the existence of fertility clinics. It's an aberration of the natural order of things. John and Kate Gosselin are more tabloid worthy these days than Brad and Angelina. Need I say more?

Musings on Musicals

Ok, so... sometimes I may blog on the weekend when it's not possible to fit it in between Monday and Friday which was my initial plan. Ain't life like that, you make a plan and then life happens. Hey, there's a John Lennon song lyric about that very thing.

I don't like musicals. I've stated this before but I'll say it again. Although, I was reminded of a few more exceptions to that rule yesterday. The Rocky Horror Picture Show was on TV last night. Very appropriate seeing as it was Halloween. I was assistant stage manager for a live production of the very same musical. It kicks ass. The music, the sexual deviance, the high camp factor. It's f*cking brilliant as far as musicals go.  The movie looks like it was made for 50 bucks which only adds to its allure, and Tim Curry is utterly sublime as the cross-dressing title character Frankenfurter. Any musical with lyrics like" Touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touch me, I want to be dirty" is a winner in my book. 

I was also reminded of another musical which doesn't really qualify as a musical but more of a rock opera - The Who's Tommy. I was stage manager for a production of this show. Sensing a theme? Not to worry, I was also stage manager for a production of Grease, and I still don't like it. But I digress. Tommy kicks some serious ass. We also noticed during the production I worked on that there is no spoken dialogue in Tommy - it's just one awesome, rockin' song after another, telling a great story with zero cheese factor. Love it. 

I would also be remiss if I didn't add to my "List of musicals that don't suck" the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode in Season 6. DAMN. Joss Whedon, holy f*ck. You are brilliant. This episode pushed the storyline of Season 6 into the stratosphere, and brought  unspoken emotions and personal torment into the light of day, or should I say into the light of song. Again, conveying meaningful emotion without the cheese factor. Camp, yes. Cheese, no. I approve.  

If it turns out I'm actually harboring a love of musicals in some deep recess of my mind, and this post is just a big ol' Freudian slip, I may have to kill myself. 

Miley Cyrus voted worst celebrity influence of 2009

This just confirms my initial suspicions and prediction of Miley Cyrus' future profession. Miley was voted the worst celebrity influence of 2009 in an online poll, ahead of Kanye West and Britney Spears. Damn, that makes you a bad, bad girl Miss Miley. Pole dancing at an awards show can really sink your reputation. You know what Miley's becoming? A slunt. What's a slunt, you ask? It's a combination of slut and, can you guess? If you can't, think about it for a minute. It'll hit you soon enough. This word comes from an episode of One Tree Hill. I f*cking love it. It just rolls off the tongue with such ease. Slunt. Say it a few times. You'll start to love it just as much as I do. And I bet you can think of at least one person you know who fits into this category.

Some say Miley is trying to shift from being a pukey, Disney-fied child star to an adult performer. Oh, she's becoming an adult performer all right. And her daddy, Billy Rae thinks it's great! Click here for more on that. Artistic expression my ass. Sex sells. The Cyrus family knows this. Have you seen photos of Miley's little sis in her Halloween costume? Click here. Disturbing? Yes. A la JonBenet Ramsay? Yes. I'm not saying Miley Junior will turn up dead but she has that eerie pre-pubescent beauty pageant thing going on. This can only lead to no good. 

Hopefully, Miley's star is starting to burn out and she will slowly disappear from our collective consciousness to some strip club in Vegas. This will be a gift to humanity, and to horny, drunken men.

Gloomy Goodbyes

It is a day filled with sadness. Even the sky is cloudy and gray. First, I find out that my totally awesome massage therapist is moving and will be leaving in the new year. Then, I find out Mia Michaels is leaving So You Think You Can Dance. She was like, my favorite choreographer. I'm sensing a theme. I usually like themes, but not in this case. I know, the only sure thing in life is change but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Here is a list of other departures and break-ups that shook my world:

1) Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorcing (Back then, I didn't understand. Now I do.)

2) William Petersen leaving CSI (I haven't watched the show in years but still... Oh Grissom, it won't be the same without you.)

3) Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (I kinda knew it was coming what with that whole Angelina business, but still unfortunate, especially since Jennifer is now the "lonely girl".)  

4) Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett (Ok, who am I kidding? Didn't we all see that one coming?)

5) Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford (How can you both be so perfect looking and want to break up?)

6) Alicia Goranson, who played Becky on Roseanne (Sarah Chalke tried her best, but really, if the original actor leaves the show, let the character die - don't revive it with a new actor, then bring the old one back, then bring the new one back again. Totally lame.)  

7) Shannen Doherty leaving the original 90210 (There ain't no bitch like Brenda Walsh.)

8) Rob Morrow leaving Northern Exposure (I loved this series but it should have ended there.) 

9) Micheal Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley (Oh wait, it was their marriage that shook my world, not their break-up.)

10) Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley (She was your Uptown Girl Billy, your Uptown Girl. Doesn't that count for anything?) 

Careless Confessions

It's tough being a writer. Exhilarating at times, yes, but in general, writing great works of art takes time, talent, discipline and perseverance. Unless you're a celebrity. Especially a celebrity with a f*cked up past. In this case, all it takes to be a successful "author" is your desire to regurgitate your awkward private moments, drug addictions and personal failings onto the blank page. Of course these are big sellers. They're the hardcover version of the celebrity gossip magazine. Everyone loves it when the rich and famous suffer, and we allow them to get even richer by buying their crappy, tell-all books. 

Jodie Sweetin, of Full House fame, has written a memoir titled UnSweetined (insert sigh here) in which she describes her crystal meth addiction, blah, blah, blah, and Mackenzie Phillips enraptures us with tales of incest involving her and her late father, John Phillips in her memoir High on Arrival. Is this what "literature" has come to? I admit, on occasion (does every day count as "on occasion"?), I delve into the cesspool of the lowest common denominator and relish in the brain candy that is celebrity gossip. However, I counterbalance this with reading actual works of literature or non-fiction books on relevant issues and people.   

I read Victor Hugo's Les Misérables, in its original French version. There were four volumes, and it took me four years to complete it. It is, to this day, the best book I have ever read. These are the types of books where you feel Divinity is palpable, the writing is so good. Real literature allows you to soar to new heights, plumbs the depths of what it means to be human, and what binds us together in this adventure we call life. And you learn fancy, new words that make you look really smart.

I fear true literature is slowly disappearing. We are no longer capable of investing ourselves in a complex novel. We no longer have the attention span to read something that challenges us with its sublime weaving of  language. If it's not a 30-second sound bite, we're not interested.

These Hollywood types are a far cry from what I would describe as "authors". It's easy to spit out what would otherwise be the contents of a personal journal. This does not require any skill. Publishing houses are just as guilty of proliferating this garbage as those who claim to be "writers". Sadly, the only reason they do get published is because they make money. People buy this crap.

Some will say that Jodie's story might help a drug addict or Mackenzie's a survivor of incest. Bullshit. Do you honestly think there's a shortage of books out there on addiction and incest? Please. We are a society reveling in our victimhood. Poor me. Poor f*cking me. I'm reminded here of a quote from The Secret regarding our "rough" pasts and how they might affect us now and in the future: "It's called: So what?" Love it. We need to get over ourselves. Go to therapy, do what you need to do to deal with your shit and move on. And for God's sake, spare us the details.

Scientology Stripped

Just when I thought it might be a slow news day, I find out that prominent filmmaker Paul Haggis has publicly denounced Scientology. Click here for more info. Do his claims surprise me? Not in the least. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that this "religion" was wacked, as is any organized religion for that matter. Any system of belief that forces you to sever ties with your family (Scientology), believe you're inherently flawed and must spend your life making amends (Catholicism), believe that only those of your religion are bound for heaven, and all others are evil (Islam) is never a good thing. If there were no organized religions, there would be far fewer wars, discrimination and mental health issues.

For some strange reason, Scientology has a hold on Hollywood and Paul Haggis' career may be affected by his "coming out". This really irritates me. A bunch of power-hungry, science fiction fetishists can actually hurt an incredibly talented filmmaker's career? There is all kinds of wrong in that statement. This situation really makes me get my hate on for Tom Cruise et al. No wonder Katie looks like she's had a lobotomy. How else could she tolerate him?

I grew up Catholic which means my every thought was laced with guilt and shame. My first play was about the Catholic church and its views on women and celibacy. I should thank them for the inspiration - it was a successful production. Let's face it, any time you have the Catholic church, sex and violence in the same story, it's guaranteed to elicit some interest.

Paul Haggis, you are one courageous motherf*cker. If it's any encouragement, I received some criticism from ill-informed religious zealots on my production, which they based on a review in a local newspaper and not on the production itself - they didn't bother to go see it (cowards). However, for every nay-sayer, there were at least 10 people who were incredibly supportive and agreed that the Catholic church's policies were harmful and woefully outdated. Don't despair, there are sane people out there...

I can't wait to see how Tom Cruise glosses this one over. Now don't be glib Tom.

Trash and Tequila

I've been traveling lately, and that means I've had plenty of time to read smutty celeb mags which is what I do to kill time in planes, trains but not automobiles 'cause I get motion sickness. I was perusing an issue of People magazine, which isn't as repulsive as its online version for some reason... Anyway, I found two noteworthy tidbits I thought I'd mention: 1) A very witty one-liner: "It's sad when good trash goes bad." and 2) an ad for Hornitos Tequila.

1) "It's sad when good trash goes bad.": a rare display of sharp wit in a celeb rag. It caught my attention and got me reading an article on Gossip Girl which I usually would have skipped since I don't watch the show. Now that is good writing - getting a reader to take interest in an article they would have otherwise ignored. 

Kudos for the snippy saying. Of course, I'm going to steal it and claim it as my own. Don't worry people at People, I will not charge others to use it and therefore will not reap any monetary profits. It will be used solely for my personal aggrandizement. Narcissistic, you say? Duh. I'm a playwright and blogger. I write for audiences. I write to be read, loved and adored. The only reason I have a Facebook page is to make other people envious of me and my fabulous life. Is that wrong?

2) Hornitos Tequila: Now tell me that isn't the greatest name EVER for tequila. Translates easily to "Horny Toes", and here's the tag line: "The taste of Mischieve." I don't even care that "Mischieve" is misspelled. Oh wait. Maybe it's Spanish for mischief. Must check. This ad made me look twice. Actually, it stopped me dead in my tracks. For a moment, I thought it had to be a joke, an ad a la Saturday Night Live, but no, it was for real. Kudos to the company who gave their product such an unforgettable, and in this case, appropriate name. I don't drink tequila but if I see this product in the liquor store, I'm buying it, if only to be able to offer my guests a shot of Horny Toes.

Celebrities - they're just like us!

I love this section of In Touch magazine for its utter ridiculousness. There's always a two-page photo spread devoted to demonstrating to us, the common folk, how celebrities are "just like us" or "showing their real side". Wow, they pick up a pizza! Holy shit, they eat fried food and pump their own gas! OMFG!

This kills me. That I'm avidly perusing a bottom-feeding rag like In Touch is disturbing enough but to find out that celebrities are "just like us"? How can it be? Only in some strange, parallel universe would a celebrity act like a regular Joe. I mean, come on. If you could spend indiscriminately on totally frivolous crap; get a table at a trendy restaurant without a reservation when there's a waiting list; have a personal stylist, publicist, trainer, chef; have free designer clothes sent to you; live in a mansion; walk a red carpet into every party you attend, and basically forget that there is a whole race of human beings beneath you who can only dream of these things, why on earth would you abase yourself and roll in the mud with those miscreants?

Run your own errands? Pump your own gas? Damn, you're a celebrity rebel! If In Touch was smart, they'd change this section to "Celebrities - they're not like you and this is what they get away with", which would be much more interesting. It could include photos of celebs snorting coke or smoking a crack pipe (oh wait, that's been done - I think Kate Moss has recovered nicely), or flashing their naked girly parts when getting out of a car due to lack of underwear (oh wait, that's been done too - Britney seems to be on the mend as well), or having some kinky threesome (oh wait, that one's on the Web - oh McSteamy, you bad, bad boy). Hey, I never said I was ahead of the curb, or that my ideas were cutting edge. But I digress.

This is just another great example of the sheer retardedness of the celebrity/gossip magazine. I actually feel dumber after I've read this type of fare. Of course, this won't prevent me from continuing to read trashy mags. It's part of my lifestyle, and makes me feel good about myself. Hey, maybe celebrity mags should be marketed as self-esteem boosters. Who doesn't feel good when some celeb is exposed for acting like a total dumbass or wearing hideous clothes? This is what insecure teenage girls should be reading instead of fashion magazines. Now that is a cutting edge idea.

Katie's fashion guru? Her daughter.

On the best of days, People.com irritates me with its cutesy, glossed-over reporting of celebrity happenings. On bad days, it makes me want to gag. Today is a bad day. One of the articles appearing today is titled: Katie Holmes has a new fashion guru - Suri! Has anyone actually noticed Katie Holmes' fashion choices over the last few months?  Highly questionable. Rolled up jeans and big, bulky sweaters; some cream-colored pantsuit that was simply horrid, etc... Hopefully Suri has a better fashion sense than her mother.

Katie dresses like someone who is at least twenty years older than her. Does Suri approve of this? Of course, Katie probably doesn't wear anything Tom tells her not to wear. Back in the day, she looked her age. Sweet, young, vibrant. But let's face it, ever since she hooked up with Mr. Scientology, she's been in a downward spiral. She chopped off her hair and dresses like ass. All she can talk about is how "wonderful" her life is, how "wonderful" Tom is, how "wonderful" it is to be a mother. What the f*ck? Did those Scientologists suck out your brain too, along with your free will?

I'm not a fan of Katie Holmes. She should really consider a career other than acting because she sucks at it. She has no charisma, no presence. I look at her on-screen and all I see is empty space. I've seen her in a few movies, and she's royally sucked ass in every one of them. Note to Katie: marrying Tom Cruise will not miraculously bestow acting skills upon you. It will however make you a slave to a wacked out cult based on science fiction.

And that song and dance number on So You Think You Can Dance? Are you f*cking kidding me? The hype about her appearance on that show went on for weeks and for what? Suri could have done a better job. I was actually embarrassed for her, it was so bad.

Yet again, we must deal with the over-exposed, under-talented actress (I use the term "actress" loosely here). Why should we even care about Katie Holmes? My doormat is more interesting than her. I'm guessing it's because Tom Cruise tells us we should be fascinated by his little wifey. Because he wouldn't marry some talentless bimbette. Please. Tom couldn't handle being married to someone who is his equal, or God forbid, a little higher up on the food chain. Remember his gorgeous, talented, Oscar-winning ex-wife Nicole and ex-girlfriend Penelope? I rest my case.

As for Katie, maybe she should get into scrapbooking or something, and really settle into her role as Scientology slave and suburban housewife. She could give a whole new meaning to Desperate Housewives.